Doctors. Who needs ’em? They always hold you up in drab waiting rooms and they’re expensive, not to mention judgemental. Follow these steps to insure you’ll never need a doctor again.>>
Let’s just say you’re suffering abdominal pain. Google’s sophisticated databases will let you you know that you definitely either have: (a) An internal bleed, (b) A rare, incurable diseases called Gastroputrefy Syndrome, or, (c) A common cold.
Wow, you should be really feeling faint by now. Check the list of symptoms for Gastroputrefy Syndrome. Oh yes, DIZZINESS IS A SYMPTOM! Oh Jesus. Now you feel like being sick. Check the list. NAUSEA IS ALSO A SYMPTOM! This isn’t looking good!
Have three glasses of wine. And a block of chocolate (well, you’re dying, so …) You’ll soon be able to come to terms with the fact that this is the end. Update your Will (online), and your Facebook status “Love you all.” Begin to ponder all the things you want to do before you go: people you want to see, places to visit. So many things, so little time. Ah, too hard—just go on Farmville.
Once your crops are okay, check your symptoms again. You’ll likely find no pain, no headache, no nausea, no dizziness, only slurring (but that is from the 5th glass of wine). That means it can’t be Gastroputrefy Syndrome. It must be nothing!
If this sounds like you, see suggested treatment below.
- Cut that shit out.
- See your doctor.