‘Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.’
~ W. Gibson.
Have you ever shared your dream with someone, only to have them stomp on it with a few unsupportive words?
‘I’ve been thinking about writing a book, and—’
‘It’s really hard to get published, you know.’
There’s a breed of control freaks who quietly lurk, ready to attack your precious, vulnerable ideas as soon as you share them with the world. These people are known as naysayers, non-supporters, dream killers, or just plain assholes.
You’ll find them in the workplace, in social circles, in the family, or in your marital bed. It could be your boss, your pal, your parents, your husband or wife, your neighbor, your neighbor’s mother’s husband …
Regardless of where you encounter them, naysayers all have the same toxic tendency: they get off on popping bubbles, raining on parades, throwing wet blankets on ambitions, and farting on dreams. “What’s that? You want to travel around the world?” Brruuuub!
How to recognize a naysayer
This is usually how it unfolds: you dream up a plan that excites you to the core of your being. It may be an adventure, a new career path, an artistic pursuit, or a crazy invention to rival Velcro. Hopefully it’s involves a plan more inspired than quitting your job to sit at home in your robe growing out your facial hair, while watching soaps day long (in lieu of using soaps). If that is your ambition, you’re not dealing with naysayers, you’re dealing with sane people. Get help.
But if you have a solid, well-considered life dream that you’re driven to accomplish, you’ll probably want to share it with friends, family and co-workers. You’ll want to come out of the closet with your grandiose dream. Some will pat you on the back and say, “GO FOR IT,” but there’s always one person who gets off on taking a dump in your happiness sandwich.
Common remarks from naysayers:
You might receive ’helpful advice’ along the lines of: ‘I know someone else who tried that and it didn’t work out for them.’
Your confidence will be attacked with: ‘Are you sure you’re qualified?’
Naysayers love to highlight the impracticalities of your dream, “You can’t make any money doing that.”
Or, they’ll call upon ‘normal people’ as the basis for their argument, pointing out how you’re destined for failure because you’re not acting like one of them. ‘Normal people usually just get a real job,’ or, ‘This isn’t what normal people do.’
There’s an easy way to know if you’re dealing with a naysayer. When their mouth opens up and words come out, does it:
1. Make your heart happy?
If your answer is yes, you’re being lovingly supported.
2. Make your feel like your guts have just been through a meat mincer?
If your answer is yes, you’ve been naybashed by an asshole.
The psychology of an asshole
Most often, naysayers have not fulfilled their own dreams. They don’t live an inspired existence because they’re too busy living in fear. Maybe they made the mistake of listening to their own naysayers, and they’re just parroting words that have kept them down their whole life? Perhaps they believe that life is all about living inside a fantasyland called Normalville, where regular people populate the average town of Mediocrity, sipping on lukewarm cups of boring?
Chances are, they’re just scared. Fear of loss, fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of being insignificant, fear of death or injury, fear of being judged. Your wild ambitions threaten the naysayer. He/she likes to keep life safe, simple and predictable, and by pissing in your party hat, they’re hoping to keep you small and easy to manage. Your goal threatens to throw out the equilibrium of his/her universe. But the naysayer is out of luck because the entire universe doesn’t actually belong to them (as much as they like to believe that it does).
Cross-section of a naysayer’s brain.
How to deal with a naysayer
Talk it out
If the negative comments are coming from a person you care deeply about, see what you can do to talk it through. Ask them what their concerns are and, without judgement, address them one by one. Don’t let it escalate into an argument—stay calm. Comfort them through their fears, while peacefully standing your ground. This is your life, your journey and your happiness, so own it and make it clear that you won’t sway from your dream. Negotiate and compromise if possible, but make sure you leave the conversation with your heart fluttering. If you come away from the conversation feeling heavy and sad, you’ve just been naybashed once again. Perhaps it’s time to consider therapy?
Ignore
If the criticism is coming from your family, or a dear old friend, it may be best to simply block it out. Have confidence in your plans, and refuse to hear their crap. Locate your internal switch called GIVE A SHIT and simply flick it over from DO to DON’T.
Sever ties
Perhaps the naysayer is a friend or partner who never supports your dreams? If you find yourself in a relationship with a toxic person who continually tears holes in your ambitions, it may be best to cut off the relationship. Choose to surround yourself with people who make you want to break out into a happy dance. Align with people who blow air into your balloon, rather than the pricks.
Sharpen your swords and get ready for some nayslaying, because:
Have you had any experiences with naysayers? Have your dreams been naybashed? What did you do to cope? What advice would you give to people who are not being supported?
Do you do all the art and graphics for this? It looks very very good.
Thank you, yes I’m a designer / illustrator by profession. This is the first time I’ve put watercolor paintings into a post. It was fun!
I had the same question!!! how dare you steal my question from the future?!!
and Torre, yes. this is brilliant stuff. you are giving inspiration for my blog, although I MIGHT not be as funny or artistic as you
oh and the rest of the post, thanks for this. I need to keep this in mind for possible naysayers (already came across one, but I forgive the person), for when I quit my job in 2 months to travel.
cheers,
Ni
ps: I’m reading your blog at 4:30am in the morning. It will be a great start to the day methinks (expect a few more spambot comments in your other posts). There must be a reason the Universe landed me on this page at this godly hour.
4.30am?! I feel like I should give you this:
~~~~~o
(It’s a worm. You caught it.)
Though on second thought, it kind of looks like a sperm. So if you get pregnant: sorry.
I think we have all encountered naysayers at some point in our lives. It is hard to deal with, but you have to believe in yourself, because no one and I mean no one can feel what you feel or think the thoughts that you think and many times those naysayers are just jealous that they can’t do what you are doing!
Well said! Nobody knows you like you do, so nobody has authority to tell you what is right or wrong for your life.
i agree!!! because if you follow them against your will, you will just regret to yourself. Nobody can help you better but yourself. just do what makes you happy..
I’m always thinking of my sweet comeback a day late. Here’s what I thought to say to one of my naysayers (after the fact) http://forgeover.com/articles/2010/12/19/dreamers-and-naysayers
Your reply is da BOMB Tucker. I love it, and I’m painting that up on my front door.
LOVE this! I’m quite adventurous, unlike most of my friends and family, so I frequently face lots of naysaying. I’m definitely bookmarking this post and using it as a reminder. Thanks!
No problem! Good luck with those pesky naysayers.
GREAT article!! Did you do the images yourself?
very creative!! I think my bestfriend (former?) is a bit of a naysayer. she has such a negative attitude and loves to make fun of people.. it’s actually hard being around her because we just aren’t in the same level anymore :/ that’s one of the sad parts about going for your dreams though. friends who you thought were friends might not be anymore, once you start playing a bigger game, and taking charge of your life and BEING confident, your friends (who are still stuck) will find it harder to relate. Thus the friendship drifts apart..
Yes, that can happen. Sometimes you bond over being in a small pond together. If one of you jumps the pond, but the other one stays behind, you may not have that connection anymore. This is always a test of a good friendship—the people who truly love you will stick with you no matter what.
(And yes, they’re my illustrations
)
I think you’ve nailed the solution to naysayers! They do seem to pop up alot around adventurous people. Naysayers and Tall Poppy Slayers. Do you also find that when they’ve had their naysay before hand they also pop up after the adventure in question and quote things like : “you’re so jammy” and “you always seem to land on your feet” “you’ve had some amazing opportunities”. Drives me bonkers!
Yep…and the “You just don’t understand…not everyone is as smart as you”…or “some people are just lucky”…
Makes me want to bounce some heads off the cement.
Screw the naysayers! The good news is that there are enough people out there to support our dreams … even if we do have to find them online!
I loved this!! I think the quote at the top is my new favorite quote. EVER!
Love this! Love the illustrations and the message. You had me at “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.’
~ W. Gibson.” LOL
Torre all i can say is you nailed it. Btw i started your book last night and had to force myself to put it down. Good thing you didn’t listen to those naysayers.
This is a truly brilliant post that should be read by EVERYONE!!! I love that quote in the beginning.
““What’s that? You want to travel around the world?” Brruuuub!”
You’re amazing.
New favourite blog.
You are a great writer! I love this post and have shared it on each of my social media outlets, that’s how cool I think it is and how relevant to my own dream chasing!
Best of luck with your book! Hoping to order a copy soon…
Great post Torre, you speak the truth. Those buzz killer people really stink. Fortunately there aren’t too many of them out there. Hope your book is going well! Looking forward to reading it once my account gets back in the blue ><.
Everything about this post is so true. For the longest time I had put my dreams of traveling on the back burner because I knew people would tell me, “that’s not a job.” Finally, I decided after I was done with college I wasn’t going to look for a 9-5 “grown-up” job; I was just going to travel. When I tell people they mostly ask “What do you mean you’re going to travel?” or “How are you going to get paid doing that?” For the most part I just take the ignore them approach.
Great post. I love the illustrations
Torre, I really enjoyed this post. I once remember hearing a lecture about becoming a self-actualized person. There was a quote that went something like this: “If you want to truly live your life on your own terms you have to become independent of the good opinion of other people.” It’s not easy dealing with criticism or those who doubt what you are doing, but I feel ultimately the best/correct decision lies with the individual who is making
Great entry! Very inspiring, and particularly appealing to me as I deal with friends telling me that my dream of traveling around the world and writing about it are irresponsible and that I need to just knuckle down and start down the career path.
TORRE!!! i just published a post this week that comments on naysayers!!! LOVE your tips (and how to spot them LOL). there are so many effing gems here, but my fave is plain and simple- “Align with people who blow air into your balloon, rather than the pricks.” hell to the yes. i do feel that there are instances in which naysayers aren’t ill-intentioned, but just short on imagination. whatever the reason, our beautiful, amazing, adventurous, unique lives depend on victory over their power! even, or especially, when “they” are staring back at us in the mirror! i seriously need to read your book already! i hang on every line of your posts, so i can’t imagine how much i’ll love SWEPT.
I cannot express how timely this topic is for me personally. It’s so true. So effing true. So tired of building myself up, only to be ripped apart, and ridiculed, even by loved ones. Sometimes I wonder if the lonely wanderer isn’t the happiest of our clan?
I hate the attitude of naysayers! I always think, if you don’t have anything positive to say it why say it at all! I’ve met my fair share of these people in my lifetime, maybe it’s because I have a lot of dreams that I like to share, apparently that means I’m asking someone to tell me, “Oh, you’ll probably fail.” I no longer have time for these kind of people, the negativity is too draining. Now days I always try and surround myself with positive people that will encourage my dreams even if they don’t agree with them or fear I’ll fail. And if I have no choice but to be surrounded by naysayers then they just don’t get treated to hearing the story of my dreams because only special, kind people deserve to hear my deepest dreams and desires!
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I identify with this post! Let me, at 64 years old, re-enforce what you say. My dad was (and is – still!) the biggest naysayer I ever met in my life, so he well and truly dampened all my youthful ambition and enthusiasm, because I thought I was supposed to be the good daughter, and not run away as I should have done! (Wow, just imagine!) The way I was at 19 kind of shoved me into the arms of the guy I eventually married. He seemed to be just the opposite, but by the time I realized he was just a naysayer in a different disguise it was too late, and I had two, wonderful kids. For that reason only, I can’t, honestly say, that I regret my earlier life – but I am damned if I will ever, ever listen to negative vibes again, and I constantly preach that to my kids, who have very much gone their own ways so far.
Believe me, you will never, ever regret doing your own thing, following your own dreams. If things don’t work out, you pick yourself up and try something else, but it was your decision, and it’s easier to forgive yourself than to forgive someone else who ruined your dreams!
Good for you and many congratulations on the book, which I will defnitely buy as soon as I have two cents to rub together!
Hi,
This article is awesome and I agree with it 100%! If I actually listened to all of those naysayers out there I would not have went this far in life. Despite the odds, I am living my dream. I was in a “comfort zone” working at my Fortune 500 white collar job. But, I wanted to pursue my dream of being a motivational speaker, and having an all positive social network. To my surprise, it has become worldwide. Live your dreams people, no matter what anyone says or thinks about you!
Love this post! I experienced exactly what you described from close to everyone I know when I announced my plan for my RTW trip. I was told it would be dangerous, I wouldn’t be strong enough to do it on my own, that I’d be home in a week, that I should be spending my money on a car or a house! ARGH! I just ignored them and they’re suddenly very quiet now that I’m two months in and still alive
OMG – I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING.
Torre, you are a truly gifted – both in art and in written word. There simply aren’t enough people like you in the world!
Awesome post! I’ve really only had one person ever poo-poo on my dreams – an ex-boyfriend. When I told him that I wanted to ride my bike around India he said, “Yeah sure – like THAT’LL ever happen!”
The funny thing is that his reaction is part of exactly why I really did take off and ride my bike around India!
Nevermind the post, the artwork is AWESOME!
Ok seriously nice post too
I am not a naysayer and I agree everyone should have dreams and do what they want to do even if they fail at it, but its also nice to reaffirm to that person and ask them “are you sure that is what you want to do” because everyone (usually) knows themselves but family members can know a lot about you too (just not everything) and some people go right into something not realizing how hard it might be, etc and sometimes they had wished they were warned about it (not torn down).
I have had (and still do) lots of challenges in doing a lot of things and when I was looking into buying a 5th wheel I insisted I couldn’t tow one with a tall profile but I had people tell me that a tall profile was no problem; I started with a shallow profile then graduated with a too tall profile!)
Anyway, my family is supportive of whatever I decide to do, the don’t think that I should go travel on my own but they still support me no matter what.
“The psychology of an asshole” How I wish there’s a class for this subject!
Anyway, nice blog. Will add into my reading list.
AWESOME article. I learned to ignore those dream-killing a-holes a long time ago. That’s why I am living the dream, traveled the world and now have a growing travel website and blog! =D never give up guys, NEVER
I’m so glad I found this on my twitter feed. I had to share it on Facebook too. Although I am new to twitter there are people here that posted, that I follow as a source of inspiration until I can really do some long term travel. I will have to stick to one (short) trip at a time!
Hi Torre, love the graphics – you’re a graphic designer? Am I right?!
I have this exact problem and it is so hard to work through it and get on with doing what you want to do despite what people say.
One of my nearest and dearest is always saying she “doesn’t get my blog” another constantly whines “you have it so easy”! Er no, I just followed my dream and put in a LOT of work!
I like what you say at the end. It’s sad but true. I tell my kids:
“Some people are just mean.”
Great to hang out with like-minded people who do their stuff anyway. Good for you:)
PS. Just read about the watercolors. You should sell those on the blog too:)
Hey Torre,
Excellent post. Phenomenal graphics!
Have I dealt with naysayers? I decided to not have babies when I was 5 yrs. old, sold everything and went to France for the love of a Frenchman, have lived five winters in Mexico on a wing and a prayer, traveled by myself all over the world, written and self-published 13 books-one of which tells the true travel tale of a wanton woman who doesn’t apologize for a healthy libido, given up my dumb-assed career in sales to write, went for holistic treatments pre-surgery for cancer in Puerto Vallarta (God Forbid) etc. etc.
When one of those naysaying nincompoops pop into my life, which has happened more times than I care to remember, I just quietly relish the fact that my ingenuity and imagination has taken me further in one of my 50 years than all of theirs.
Thank you Torre, another great post, I love the non-scientific map of the brain, very cool.
Torre, I JUST came across your blog and it couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I have a roommate (and she WAS my best friend) who has continually shit all over my dreams. I had to use the sever ties method and now I’m sub-letting my apartment. This post just gave me hope, reassurance and validation. I’m NOT ridiculous for wanting to teach overseas, and I’m proving that by actually doing it. Luckily most of the other people in my life have been respectful and accepting. Thanks for your wonderful writing, you made me laugh and warmed my heart.
Kristen – no, you’re NOT stupid or a gypsey (or whatever other naybashing words people use) to teach overseas…good on ya!
OMG!! Thank you SO much for this article! Similar to you, I am a gal who’s done various things with my life – currently living it teaching English in Athens, Greece. And yet, every time I took myself off abroad, my ‘dear’ older sister (settled, married with kids) would naybash me by commenting:
“Huh! Off travelling again I see…so, what are you running away from THIS time?”
As it was family, it took a fair bit of therapy (especially as, in retrospect, this had been going on for YEARS – I am the youngest by a big age gap) and now I can quite comfortably turn that switch to Don’t Give A Sh*t (oh, and occasionally indulge myself in an evil fantasy where someone naybashes her).
Thanks for this – and loving the writing/articles.
:0)
I did this with my brother, who i could tell, was not at all supportive with my dream and constantly kept “helpfully” reminding me how easy it is to fail. Never saying a supportive word – opting instead with silence or “what about school?”
To clearly identify a dreamkiller do this:
1.Tell them you gave up on your idea/dream or complain about how hard it is.
2. Gauge their reaction.
Dreamkillers will often facilitate your view on giving up and try to convince you it’s better to give up. They may say things like “Yeah man if we were rich then we could do the things we want” (What they really want to say is “it’s not your fault WE never had a chance so just give up like me”) Or they’ll, like my brother, simply say “Good”
Never give up. Sometimes in this life you’re the only one who has your back. This is not an excuse to give up. I guarantee you, the moment you succeed they naysayers will either fade into the darkness, or they’ll become you “biggest supporters” (of course this will be b/c they seek to benefit from your success.
Geeee Torre this stuff is just so good, love the way you say it as it is. Some great advise and some tough decisions that need to be addressed.
Thank you so damn much for this article. I feel like no one is supporting my dreams, and all I’ve been hearing from friends, family, and everyone else is “No”, or “It’s not going to work.” I started to think there was something wrong with my vision, my ambition, and my business idea, but I came across this post and it literally described my feelings word for word. It’s so f-cking frustrating and depressing to feel like an outcast for doing something you really want to do. Thanks a million for this article, it’s a small sliver of hope in an otherwise suffocating world.
Wonderful recreation of the negatives in the world. Power for the imaginative & positive people.
Hey, I still feel discouraged. I’m 15 and I love baking. I wanna be a pastry chef when I grow up of even a chocolatier. But my parents aren’t helping when I tell them. My dad is fine with it but he’s worried about how busy I would be and whether the workers I will hire might spread my secret recipe. Then there’s my mom, who thinks it’s a hopeless dream. And those comments lead me to worrying. I’m worried what if all my dad said are true. And whether I’ll be successful in opening a bakery or not.
Doing something unconventional involves a lot of “What if?” questions. There is no way to make a risky career path free of uncertainty, especially when you’re starting your own business. There will always be worries, but worries are important—they help to make your business watertight. List your worries and then create solutions. You could have your employees sign confidentiality contracts, for example.
You just have to believe in your vision and work your ass off towards getting there. If it fails, you take responsibility for that and move on.
Torre,
I really appreciate this article; it’s funny and very helpful. I am just starting out on my quest to achieve my dreams, but I understand the terrible burden that is naysaying very well. I feel like most of my friends and family just shrug off my dreams and any time I talk to them they just roll their eyes and start their bash. And I’m not going to lie, I have been a naysayer too. But being on the receiving end of that doubt has really opened my eyes to how detrimental words can be. I used to be a pessimist, but on my quest to attend the college of my dreams, I have learned not to take no for an answer and that working towards something with relentless drive and passion is ok – great, even. So from this point on I shall do my best to avoid naysaying to not only myself but everyone else as well. This article has helped to solidify my resolve; I will NEVER give up in pursuance of dreams, no matter what anyone says to bring my down. Optimism and persistence FTW
And thank you so much for writing this wonderful blog!
My dream is to be a singer/dancer/actor – but both my parents refuse to believe that I could ever do it or have any talent in those aspects, and instead are insistent on me becoming a veterinary surgeon or a doctor. I don’t know what to do. My dreams are a bit unrealistic – but it’s all I want. So what now?
Why not apply for drama school and see if you make the cut? This is a good way to determine if you’re talented enough to make a career of it. If singing/acting/dancing is your passion, keep at it in your spare time. It may be possible to do this alongside vet / medical school.
But if you have no interest in being a vet or doctor, let your parents know that it’s your right to choose your own career and your own future. If you follow their dreams for you and not your own, you’ll resent your life and your parents later on.
Thank you for your reply. I have told my parents that I want to act/sing/dance, but they always tell me that actors, singers and dancers only do that part time and have other jobs like being a waitress or a check-out person (Sorry – I’m not sure what they’re official name is) and that I wouldn’t earn any money. It’s a very difficult situation. Oh and yes I have applied for drama schools, and I made it into two elite music programs and an acting school. But my parents aren’t allowing me to attend. Thank you for your reply again.
Yes, it’s difficult. Perhaps you could ask to see a therapist with your parents there? A therapist may be able to help bridge the communication gap so that everybody’s needs are getting heard. Suggesting this is also a good way to help your parents understand how important this is to you.
My parents have been crushing my sports dreams and have been passively eating at my dream of being in the marines. I’m 15 so I don’t have any control. I feel hopeless. It just yanks the life out of me.
When you’re ready, try to talk to them about this calmly. Keep a cool head and explain your feelings. Tell them you appreciate their love and guidance, but that your life is your own and you need to follow your own path. If you communicate to them from your heart, they’ll pay attention.
But remember this too: It isn’t easy to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives when we’re 15. We haven’t yet learned what we really stand for and what we really enjoy because we haven’t had a chance to taste everything on the menu. Maybe you know exactly what you want, but why not let your dreams mature for a few more years before you decide? You have plenty of time.
And one last tip: education is really important. With a degree, you’ll always have opportunities to fall back on. The smartest path is to pursue an education AND your passion.
Good luck!
Thank you so much. I will use your advise!!
I am so glad I came across this page. I have been completely discouraged by pretty much everyone in my life except my mom about fulfilling my dream of moving to England. Since I was a young child I have dreamt about living there and finally at age 20 went for a brief visit. I fell in love with the place and my heart is yearning to leave this discouraging and negative bubble I live in here in Toronto. I have told a few people and have had countless people tell me how impractical and stupid it is to move to England. People I thought were “friends” have tried to discourage me by telling me how it was impossible for them to do it so it will be impossible for me to do it. I even had one “friend” tell my mom that she should discourage me completely from moving because they had tried it previously and had to come back to Canada because they couldn’t make it.
It’s so hard and frustrating having this dream and not being able to tell aof these so called friends or family my hopes and dreams. I am not going to sit back anymore and listen to these naysayers who want to bash my dream
because they didn’t achieve theirs. Thanks for the much needed boost.
After you go to England, you’ll look back at all the times someone told you it wasn’t possible and you’ll laugh at how easy it was.
Not sure if anyone will see this but thought I would post anyways, after posting here in July of last year about my dream of moving to England, I can proudly say that in a few weeks I will be off fulfilling my life long dream! I am so excited and hopeful for the future and could care less about what anyone says about what I am doing anymore. The moment you stop caring what people think about you is when you can truly start living. My advice to anyone is if there is something you really want to do, something you have been dreaming off don’t let anyone’s negativity bring you down, go out there and make your dreams reality! You may encounter obstacles but if you truly want it you will get it!
My dream is and still is to become a professional skier. I am quite young and at 16, although the likelihood is dim, I still strive from what others say I can’t or won’t. I have been told I’m really good by many and have entered scores of competitions throughout the New England Area placing in most if not all of them. However, my family holds me back. Obviously, I can’t drive, so my dreams are at hold. Remarks such as “do a real job” or “you can’t do that” or “that’s too dangerous” are thrown upon me. Although, it stubborns me I ignore those remarks and only use them as a motivational method to further achieve my goal. I work with my father occasionally, and some day he wants to work with me professionally. However, deep down inside I do not want to. As time passes I do nothing and I am too afraid to sit down and talk with my family. I want them to support me, but they do not. I just do not want to work and sit down in an office for the rest of my life, getting voluminous on Twinkies and fast food. I want to do what I love and always have loved, what keeps me happy and always will, what Norwegians are born for, and maybe someday I will reach that goal, because when your having fun, everything comes easier.
you’re
“When we’re in love with something we forget about the risk and dangers, the same can happen for your parents. Get them drunk on the dream so they forget about the worst-case scenario.”
Jason Shane
Yup! I just had a enormous argument with my parents about me starting a Health and Wellness business. A 37 year old woman like me and they said they’re disowning me. Like I care. They were swearing, cursing, calling me name as (death face, slut, whore, and etc.) It was hurtful but I tried to ignore. I am not letting them running my future. F! them!
Whoa. Your parents have issues! Maybe they need to practise some health and wellness techniques. Tell ‘em you know just the person who can help…
What a great Blog post. I will certainly share…
I grew up surrounded by dysfunctional people who waited in the shadows for someone to step out of the norm so they can pull them back in by pissing on their dreams. Mainly because they were too frightened to climb out of their comfort zone to pursue their own dreams they couldn’t stand for someone else to succeed where they failed. The best thing I ever did for myself was to separate myself from these folks because their negativity grew to hatred and jealousy. Even today as I pursue my dream many wait lurking in the shadows, waiting for any sign of failure. But, I don’t pay any mind to them because they are living their own private hell. Someone with that kind of negative mindset couldn’t possibly be happy in life. Which is probably part of their problem. What a relief and sense of sense of tranquility I found when I made the conscious decision to walk away and surround myself with positive people.
Your Blog post fueled my inspiration and I Thank you
This helped a lot, I’m not an adult I’m a young teenager and everytime I tell my grandparents(I live with them) what I’m interested in doing for a career they either laugh or criticize it! And I walk away sad depressed and very low confidence ! And a lot of stress and I have tried talking to them but it ends up into an argument !
Sorry, Hayley. Stay confident in yourself. They’ll probably come around when they can see that you’re committed to your choices. And remember: you don’t need to get approval from anyone in life. It may feel that way as a teenager, but soon you’ll see that we’re all responsible for our own lives and happiness. While it feels good to have the people we love supporting us, it’s not always possible. You have to take full responsibility for yourself and go for what you want. If it doesn’t work out, you take responsibility for that too and you move on to something new. Good luck. x
One rather in attractive girl in my class, who has been bullied due to her weight and has boasted about her ‘flawless skin’ on a daily basis has been a naysayer in my life. A major one. She’s usually kind, but she’s super passive aggressive. I told her I wanted to be an actress, and maybe get into some modeling – I don’t know why I did, she just got it out of me. When I told her though, I’d expect her to be positive, the way I was with her dreams of being an international business women. Instead, she laughed and said, “Don’t you need to have acting talent to do that? I mean, I’ve never seen you read a monologue, but… And I mean, modeling? Don’t you have to be pretty for that?”
Pretty harsh, coming from her. Especially cause I’ve never been anything but nice to her. I don’t know, nobody believes in me but I do. Thanks for this article! Maybe it’ll help me deal with my family, too.
It’s a world of naysayers for me.
Sad. You can’t listen to that crap! Definitely be careful who you share your acting/modelling dreams with. Some people are jealous and insecure, and they might rip you apart even if you’re beautiful and talented.
My husband kills all of my dreams. I say I want babes, he says he never wants babys. I say I want to go to NY he says NY is the last place on earth he wants to go.
He is a big naysayer and thrives on quashing my dreams.
Some advice please?
If you feel he’s thriving on this or getting some sort of perverse satisfaction out of keeping you from your dreams, it doesn’t sound like a good situation and you should take control of your life and get out. If it’s just a conflict of interest and you love him, then you need to decide what want more in life: NY and a baby, or him.
Psycology of an asshole, someone who wants to push someone else to do something this person dont want to do.
This someone i sacrificie so hè couldn’t study and get up in his career.
My alcoholic friend told me you have to leave everything and live my dream or else. He wanted to work abroad and every couple of years move to a different place. Seems great, well not for me. I wanted to study, get a job and be independent. So i followed my dream and stayed.
The dreamer is somewhere living his dream, i’m an artist and living my dream finally.
Really good read and needed it today.
I am working on a product and having trouble finishing it due to fear.
I am afraid of my competitors criticizing me.
This one guy who is at the top, routinely insults and belittles anyone who disagrees with him and his ideas. According to him, his way is the only way of doing this.
How do you deal with that type of person when they have such a large following?
Most of the time he will spout the major companies he has worked for or the books he has written and tell people, where’s your book or blog or seminar. He’ll tell people they are stupid and don’t know what they are talking about. Yes, he gets really nasty.
I am an unknown but the reality I have tons more experience than he has and my views are different.
So how do you deal with it? What do you say to someone like that if they start putting your book or blog down?
Love the illustrations. Completely love your writing style.
It’s true dream suffocates have unfulfilled dreams too. It’s difficult to keep a dream you are excited about to yourself but sharing can have consequences some good some bad. Getting involved in business incubators, writing groups, art communities etc just like minded folks will whittle down the “likelihood” of a naysayer. For every level of desired accomplishment there will be a “Goliath”.
Hello Torre! I have been having continuous problems with my parents always bashing my dreams of going to college for musical theatre. I’m almost 17 , but I have been absolutely in LOVE with performing from a young age and they know how much it means to me. It really helped me make friends and find out who I am, and got me out of a “what the heck is life for” mood when I got older and people turned dark. We have talked about college many times and how I should be a pharmacist like my sister, or a nurse, or do something with computers but they always end up as exploding screaming matches. I swear I try to stay calm but its very hard when they bring it up everyday. They never got to persue their dreams which I’m guessing is why they don’t want me too. But wouldn’t they want to support me? Honestly, I can’t remember a time when they supported me, even for things like sports. I am so passionate about performing, I just want them to see what their lack of support and unfollowed dreams might be doing to their child.
Love the article. My husband and I are going to buy some land and eventually move there and live very simply. We probably won’t be able to retire,but we can both work jobs and maybe even raise chickens and goats. Who knows? Maybe we’ll be mini farmers? But my friends, who do care deeply about my well being, think we are nuts. But this is my idea of heaven.
I really wonder why you named this particular article, “What to do when people won
Those darned naysayers… If I get one more ‘Don’t die in (insert country) ‘ or ‘(insert country) is dangerous’ comment I am going to scream.
Here in Brazil these naysayers are mutiplied by thousands. I just keep my mouth shut, as if my dream was the best golden secret. Maybe Einstein was talking about this when he said, maybe:
“If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z.
X is work.
Y is play.
Z is keep your mouth shut.”
Love your work – love the graphics – love the spirit of the work! Great stuff, Tim
Hmm, you know, everything is not always black and white, and before you put down people in such a general way for the purpose of selfishness alone, maybe you might consider the following, my own story.
I have been with my husband for 21 years. We both have had various dreams and most we have followed, even though there were risks. In the 21 years, I have belived the dreams and ideas my husband has had were worth pursuing, as well as most of my own. like partners we discussed them. I have moves around the country as well. Once we even took off for a year in an RV and just found jobs along the way. We have made plans and dreams, with some risk, to build a restaurant. However, saying to forget someone you love, who has loved you and always supported you in what you want to do, and say they do not matter all of a sudden because your happiness is the only happiness to worry about is quite narcissistic. My husband has always had a dream to go to space since young. Now he is 51 and has applied to the Mars One program that will leave in 10 years to colonize Mars. I am older by 10 years than him, and by that time we will have been together 31 years. The thing is it is a one way trip! Basically he is saying he will leave us in 10 years (we have a daughter). Not once in your article do you say anything other than think only of yourself, interesting concept, and if the whole world listened to this it would be a very sad world indeed. Personally, the part about “The psychology of an asshole” makes me go, wow YOU are one. By bringing up dangers of death, how they would be missed, does NOT mean all the stupid implications you listed. All you are doing here is re enforcing narcissistic behavior, and perhaps you are one as well and this gives you justification of it somehow. Some goals and dreams I agree should be purused, but some …maybe not, but at least those around you who love you should not be treated as you suggest. I found your article to be not well rounded, but then a narcissist would not even think of all sides I guess.
Dear Yvonne,
I’m sorry that you felt the need to insult me in your comment, but I understand the hurt you’re feeling over your husband’s decision. To clarify: this piece of writing is NOT for you or your husband. Whenever I have gone after a big and scary dream, I’ve always had a few naysayers in my life who have attempted to bring me down with negative comments. When I was younger, I was very sensitive to that, and I would let those naysayers shape my decisions. As I grew older, I learned to to label them as ‘naysayers’ and block them out. This piece speaks to the people who have found themselves in similar situations to me, in a lighthearted way.
It is not speaking to the whole world and everyone’s personal situation (it’s impossible to address everyone in one article). And I agree that other people’s lives do need to be taken into consideration with whatever dream you’re going after—all our actions have a ripple effect on those around us. I also agree that your husband’s choice is very self-centred. After so many years together and so many adventures, this must be heartbreaking for you and your daughter.
You should go and seek help from a therapist, as the complexity of this issue is well beyond any resources you might find on the internet. You’re going to spend the next 10 years in anticipation and misery unless this gets sorted out. Perhaps your husband has fears around getting old? Perhaps he’s not really intending to do this? Perhaps there are issues in the relationship that he doesn’t know how to address, and so shooting off to Mars seems like an easy solution to him? (Men can be strange like that…) These are some of the things you can work try to work through with a therapist.
If he does intend to go and he’s sticking with that plan, it will be a process of grief and change for you that’s going to be extremely painful. You love him, and he has been your life, but you should know that it’s possible to create something else for yourself beyond him. And I don’t think you need to wait 10 years to get started with that.
Good luck, Yvonne.
Torre
Hi Torre,
and if he read this I felt it would be even worse situation. To be fair, I have run into people who said negative things about some of the things I wanted to do, my parents as well, but I worked with them, did not abandon their feelings like this article implies doing. That being said, I do realize there are people who say things, not out of caring, but are just snotty types. I think your reply to me was what this page needed, and I thank you. Now on to my situation 
… Yes I agree, and have already thought of all the things you have said, I’m still in an analyzing mode, with bouts of sadness or anger or being loving and supporting, it is a roller coaster ride of emotions 
I am probably more of an adventurous type than my husband, and both of us have done things with risk despite those who think we are nuts 
Yes, he does intend to try his hardest, works on a web site about it even. It has always been his life’s dream to go to space, but how it was announced did not lead to much support.. hey I am applying to go to mars and it is a one way trip (he says gleefully). We have had a lot of ups and downs, and even hardships, in our relationship, have even survived three times of separation from each other, a year at a time due to circumstances of jobs. In the last couple years I have traveled to several countries without him even. We were at a point I thought we had a dual dream of building and running a restaurant together and enjoying a better relationship we have recently had, then boom! Yes, the waiting is driving me nuts, and yes I am not sure I should stay, should he get picked, just so he can feel satisfied with a long relationship then abandon with no regrets. This would make me rather co dependent it seems to me, not to mention I am 61 and do not want to spend 10 years with someone who plans on abandoning me and plans on repopulating mars! Gheesh, seems reasonable when writing this that I should feel upset when I read this saying I was an asshole, so guess I felt you should deal with the narcissistic comment.in return. Your subsequent post gave you rectification though 
. Getting some therapy for me probably would help with my logical side, can I hear it on my emotional side though? Not sure. No amount of therapy will change his mind, he is determined to follow this “dream”, and I do understand the wishful dreaming of his is strong, and even all the things I can see with problems of this company’s planning and the dangers will not change that, not even any love for his family. So, when I figure this all out I will write again. Again, thank you. And to all who are reading this, yes, follow your dreams, but try to determine if any “negativity” you feel people are saying has any help in decisions or not, because dreams have an element of fantasy as well, make sure your dreams are the best for you, and good luck.
Thank you for your reply. This may be long, but thank you for the opportunity to help me sort it out a little here. Actually, I agree that people should not make one’s dream into a negative thing, and have done that in a sense, but perhaps I am some type of needed reality checks and balance, in anything both sides should be considered and that is where I had problems with this article, because this is huge. I just felt a lot was pretty harsh here and not inclusive of how others were feeling, hence the “narcisistic” comment., addressing the caring people have (admittedly not always said in the best fashion) with abandonment. From your reply I somewhat retract that, LOL, but the huge diagram and telling people that no one matters but yourself I still have problems with. I would not even have posted here were it not for the fact my husband has a habit of looking up things on the internet to back what ever he thinks (even if slanted
Torre, this is so true. Wherever you go and whatever you do, there will be people who claim that your dreams are impossible and wish to rip them down and wipe their boring, dirty feet all over them. They call themselves normal. If you were to sell flowers in aid of funding drug research to fight malicious diseases, they would point out that you are harming the environment for the benefit of human gain. Ignore these people, follow your dreams and take solace in the few yes people that you can find. Such as me finding this article written by you. I greatly appreciated it.
I like the way you think..
your words are really helpful.
i loved the illustrations as well.
also i like your photo too. not making a pass but
you seem to be so nice,smart and inteligent, cute smile.
i’d love to have a chat with you if it was possible
random conversation like. but i guess that won’t
ever happen. good luck with your job. a bear hug 4 u
I feel like my whole family is naysayers. I am currently trying to pursue my dreams! I mean I know this is what I am meant to do. I had an actual vision of it years before! I had wished my family would support me on this but I actualy live with my sister who actually has took the naysayer game to a whole nother level and told eeryone I was crazy and care too much about this stupid “thing” Im into. She did this before I even got to say anything so now they have prejudged and belieed in what she said. Now if Im working on my business, I get negative energy like “UhhhhhhhGGGG! shes doing that again!” It sucks because I live with her and so its hard to put myself all they way into my work when I come home to someone like that. I dont have the money to move out yet and I Need to get a rush on what Im doing. You guys have any advice?
i really want to be an actress and singer, but my whole family doesnt want me to be it. i ask my mom if i could audition for something she goes on and on about that its not gonna happen she WONT let me.Any advice on what to do?
Sofia, I am having the same problem. i want to chase my dreams sooo badly but always feel stuck in a rut. but if i were you i would go for it, if you dont try you’ll never know. Who knows you could end up suprizing yourself. And mabye even prove your mom wrong. live in the moment and dont let anyone knock you down!
i think that i have a lot of normal boring people around me and they’d rather have a boring structured job like an accountant or a realistate agent, but for me i dream big and get shot down all the time. it makes me just want to cry because my dreams consist of modeling or being a pro motocross racer simply because i think it would be a fun job with obsticles. i dont know why my parents wont let me race dirtbikes? i obviously know the risks and dont mind them i just feel stuck in a rut constently. Even though im a sophomore in high school.
Hi, really just perfectly describes my family, im good at guitar, and have a talent at it, but my family refuse to support me in it, they say that i wont make it, but this has made me believ i can achieve that
Thankyou
My Father the Naysayer
Usually I sit their and let him rule my life because of him I have lost a number of close friends. Been in hardcore depression. Got married to the man of HIS dreams and now am a divorcee at a young age of father. I was forced to leave my home country to live in a different country with my extended family for 3 years as I settled in their I was forced to move back to my birth town then forced to marriage. After I had enough I divorced and decided to live life my way I followed my dream of becoming a model/actor 6 months down the line I have 3 major assignments struggling models would die for now my father says if I carry on with this career he will stop talking to me. I’m not giving up my career because he’s childish. But is it wrong to lose my father over passion and desire to become a actor ? I mean the way I see it is if he’s happy enough to stop talking to me over that then he doesn’t deserve me around him. He’s fucked my life up before I forgave him. Do I need to go through this again?
Your father is strangling you. And while it’s a terrible thing to lose that relationship if it comes to that, you have to live your own life first. This is his issue to sort out, not yours. He’s your dad, but this is your life to live and die in.
It’s not only about following this dream of modelling, it’s about the fact that he’s being invasive and he’s dictating your major decisions. If you continue to allow him to do that, you will probably continue to suffer hardcore depression. You don’t need his approval.
Just make sure you don’t need anything from him. Be responsible for yourself financially. If the modelling doesn’t work out, make sure you have a plan B. Good luck!
i have ma dreams..but ppl i love holds me back…m stuck
YES! My so called friends ended up being the worse ..I reached out to inform them of me finally crossing in to my new profession and finding a network that would and could throw me into my dream occupation and of course change my life…….and they just dropped off the face of the earth, no response to phone calls, emails ..nothing when I said I finally am moving and will be in the mix…..they Vanished …
Advice: If your friends of no matter how many years don’t have positive uplifting go get it brother or sister attitudes for your new found success …then they probably really are not friends…they are jealous and insecure individuals who really just are alone in misery cause they never set there goals and really went all the way..
Sorry this is so long
BUT KEEP DREAMING, LIFE IS SHORT, LIVE< LOVE< AND CREATE…never look back………
Such a great concept and probably why we advance so slowly as a spiecies its because at least half of people have this fear of what what will happen if they change. Sometimes it’s really difficult because you can be seriously connected to a naysayer like your life partner or parent of your children,
what annoys me the most is when you have to argue and argue with your partner to do things differently but when you ask them to make a decision they won’t’
I’m over people that won’t support me that want me to do things that makes them feel safe
Really nice article.
You are correct, assholes are every where….
we need to sharpen our swords to nay slashing…
If i listen to nay sayers, my dreams can’t be fulfilled!
Ummm…..you are pure awesomeness. Thanks for this~
Thanks for this wondeful words of encouragement.
My whole family belongs to that naysayer category
Good god. Maybe you need to polish your middle finger.
When I was 15, I decided I wanted to play guitar and sing. The bands and singers I admired planted that dream in my heart. One day, my father asked me what I wanted to be. I told him. This look of puzzled disgust wash over his face kind of slowly as he was considering what I just said, and then he said “You’re dreaming. Get your head out of the clouds. Come back down to Earth.” His tone of voice was so incredulous. I couldn’t believe it! This coming from the same man who when I was 8 told me that I could be anything i wanted to be! What the hell happened in just 7 years to change his mind?! in years proceeding that fiasco, he would tell me that he had never heard me sing and so he didn’t know if I could! So I would never make it! What’s twisted about that remark is that once I did sing for him a line or two (I was afraid), and then he told me I wasn’t doing it right! He said ‘sing like this.’ But he was singing several octaves above his normal voice and that would cause him to strain. There were other people who also discouraged me by laughing so hard I thought they would bust a gut, and saying things like ‘I think you’d better find something else to do’ and ‘It’s a million to one shot.’ But my father was the main one that really hurt me. Now I’m thinking of giving up my song lyric writing forever. By the way, he died of lung cancer in 1996, so he’s no longer around to crush the hell out of my dreams. But I’m still traumatized. He also did and said a lot of other horrible things, so many, I could write a book. How do you get over being crushed like a grape?
Yeah, I’m 30. I wanted to become a musician, I heard from some outer sources that I was not bad – but one thing crippled my life – poverty, my mom, dad, old pal – against me to make things nasty, not only by saying rude stuff but also by total IGNORANCE. No one cares I love western music, stupid Polish post-communist assholes. If I could only get out of my sick country and find some cool people one day, that would really become my friends. Yeah, and if I’d only have enough money to make it on my own. I hope many people in the world have more luck than I do.
Thank you for the inspiration. Your writing makes me happy and makes me laugh out loud. Down with the naysayer assholes!
I can’t stop laughing when you say “assholes” and “they’re hoping to keep you small and easy to manage”! This has lifted my spirits as I am putting a magazine together looking for contributors and need support and advice, someone to say “go for it, your doing well” and all I am getting is people ignoring me and everytime I try to talk about it they get very angry and dismissive I am at the point now where its time to cut this person off as with one hand they are acting like they are my friend and being helpful but as soon as I talk about my dreams and ask their opinion, they turn dark. I also have neighbours who don’t like me because they they can’t “bring me low”. They spend all their time trying to do things to make me feel low and intimidated and get extremely angry when it does not work. I notice that when they hear me talk positive on the telephone to people, when I laugh, when I dance around my home and sing I can feel their anger build and it got worse when they over heard me talk about my dreams which interupts my flow at times. I feel so alone as no one is supporting me and all I can do is encourage myself. If I’m down and unhappy, these people perk up and start acting like they are happy. So thanks for this, it has helped me a lot. If you are interested in writing for my magazine due to launch this year for inspirational women, let me know. Jan
I love this post! It speaks to me on so many levels. I’ve just discovered your blog and am thrilled to read about your publishing adventure (can’t wait to pick up the book as well!)
Your story makes me think what could have been if I hadn’t listened to naysayers 18 years ago when I was choosing law school over writing (“you will never make a living as a writer…” = poison). I am now fumbling my way through this new career choice but I am inspired by possibility and the stories of others who have turned a deaf ear to the the naysayers around them. So, thank you.
This is a good article. People should pursue dreams. How do you think your article would apply to people who are chasing dreams in multi level marketing? Should someone ignore data and statistics to pursue a career in MLM?
People should exercise their own common sense. Always.
Thanks for this article. I loved it and honestly couldn’t have said it better myself. I started writing and drawing when I was very very young and was winning awards by the time I was 9years old, I had fantastic dreams and my mother in turn spent my entire life naysaying everything I aspired to. By the time I was 18 or less I had quit on my dreams and tried to follow things I believed would make her happy. Well, no guessing how that turned out!
Fortunately, I saw the light again but it took surviving cancer and losing everything I owned to see it and when I did I ran into it and basked in it’s familiar warmth. I finally saw her for what she is, a sad miserable woman who takes immense joy in building up hope and then smashing it. Her favourite sentence starter: “Yes but… ” is my most hated word combination.
I’m currently busying myself getting her set up in her own life (she ironically depends on me to take care of her). Once that task is settled I have plans in place for our paths to diverge once and for all and from that point on I shall spend my days pursuing all those things I ought to have done for the last 20 – 40 years, the gap depends on where a dream was lost en route to this point.
Thank You so much for this article. I have been in IT for the last 8 years, a career in which I truly felt was comparable to a prison sentence or a living hell. My soul was sucked dry every day, before IT, I was happy in radio, not making much money, but happy. Now I left It due to burn out and have decided to do voice acting. And the naysayers have come out in droves, even telling me to at least get a job in the film / tv industry first as a technician, ie: an IT related job. I say no, it will take my focus away from doing what I love. Again, Thank you for this boost that I needed.
Hi there
It makes me smile from the inside out every time I read something so beautiful, inspiring and positive
When reading this it reminds me……..
It freaks me out every time I listen to negative people, overly cynical and people who complain and complain about everything.
I really hope I wont become a dried up vegetable complaining about life all the time, telling my kid to lower his/her standards in life and buying lottery tickets to believe its the only way out.
I believe the world will be a very different place if humans could believe anything could be done and to support each other since we love to tear each other apart.
It takes guts to say F-off I want to do this and aware of the consequences of failure (several times) before getting there.
Love it and will treasure it
Alien
My husband is a naysayer. After leaving my own country to live in his country it took me 10 years of shitty jobs, sickness and now finally I’m starting to get some recognition in in my field. My dream of studying after 20 years have being crushed.
He started wanting to work abroad on non permanent contract, “for the money ” he says. I’m not against moving but because of the finances is not possible to keep a house and we have to move every couple of years to a different place. I wouldn’t mind if we would have a home base but living from a luggage at this point in my life makes me sad. I wanted to do that when we were younger but his excuse was he didn’t had enough experience. Am I an egoist for not wanting to follow his dream and my dream? If we could move somewhere else where he could get a permanent job I could study and fulfill my own dreams. But he just wants to travel the world and I have to follow. Nice if we would have lots of money but he would be earning a bit more that now but I would be totally dependent on him which I don’t want. Am I an egoist?
Oh I love this post! Will have to share this as may people as possible
. And looking forward reading the book too! All the best, Miisa
Loved your post… Know the feeling of people trying to shape you into a mold that suits them, not even considering how you might feel about your own ideas.
Fits in so well with stay at home moms with a dream that knows they can do both but the world expects them (because of their choice to not follow a full-time career) to not have a life. My main mission in life is to make moms realize that you can have best of both worlds – just push a little harder…
I’ve had a burning desire to write a book but no one believes me – I don’t know how to get published even if i write it- so sometimes I wonder if they are right.
You will figure out how to get it published once you get to that point. First you have to start writing the novel. You don’t need anyone to believe in you, only yourself.
Thanks, the article was great, but my family won’t support me at all :[ I really don’t want to be a doctor but my mom always go on about how it’s “best for me” and stuff like that and if I even try to argue with her, she’d scold me immediately. I can’t talk it out with her :\
Hi Torre,
I’m a 17 year old boy from India, and have just finished schooling. I have always wanted to be professional racing driver ever since I first drove a go-kart almost 10 years ago. Now that I have started expressing my interest in motorsports to my father, he has turned on me. According to him, we don’t have the finances that are required in this field.
Also, since it is very unpredictable, I have decided to pursue Automobile Engineering as well, so as to have some backup.
I am absolutely sure I have the talent. I don’t know if he knows this or not. Instead, he is ordering me not to race at all, ever. And he doesn’t want me study Automobile Engineering as well, because he thinks I’m choosing this field to support my racing. He wants me to do what millions of other people do. I fail to understand why he doesn’t see my vision to do something different and new.
Words cannot describe the passion I have for racing, and I am 200% sure that I can go a long way, only if he supports me, and not shout at me everytime I bring this up.
I know I haven’t been the topper of my class, and that’s because I don’t like studying in general, or maybe because I commit things to him under pressure and when I fail to achieve them, I feel under confident. And he should know this too.
I can’t see myself doing anything else in life, apart from what I want. Fine, even if I do find something , I’ll never be good at it, because it’d be more of a burden. I’d never be happy in life, and I don’t want that. I hope you understand how difficult it has become for me.
Don’t tell me to sit and talk because I’ve already tried that numerous times, only to hear his raised voice at the end.
Please help me out Torre. I’m counting on you.
Hi Garvit. The trouble with being young is that you’re dependant on your parents, and being in this subordinate position takes away some of your power and freedom. When you get older, you will have more choices. You will be able to do anything you want. But perhaps that’s not soon enough for you…
The only way to have full control over your life is to break dependancies on other people. If you can fund and support yourself completely, then you will not have to get anyone else’s approval on it. This also means being self-reliant, so if it fails and you find yourself bereft, you will need to take responsibility for that too. Most of the time it’s not possible to lean on another person for financial support, while also getting everything you want all the time. As long as your father is invested in you (financially and emotionally) he is going to want to control your life to some degree. He wants to see a good return for his investment. He wants you to succeed so that he can relax and stop having to support you. He wants you to thrive independent of him, and he’s trying to guide you on the path that he thinks will lead to this. That is what parents do. He is doing what he thinks is best, even if he’s wrong.
So if you are truly determined to do this, you will have to break your dependency on your father. Fund your own schooling. Work very, very hard and go after exactly what you want. If you’re not willing (or able) to do this, you will have to accept that your father will control certain aspects of your life.
Perhaps it’s possible to see a therapist together and talk it through with someone else there to guide the conversation?
Good luck.
Thanks Torre,
I have been in touch with other people for help, and they’ve suggested the same thing as well. But, breaking my dependency on my father will be very, very tough. Firstly because , well, he is my father! Unless I have his emotional support in life, I won’t be happy at all.
Secondly, racing is very expensive, and couple that with my education costs, it will be near – impossible for me myself to fund both things at once.
What I have decided though, is that I’ll try and find some sponsors, and maybe that will change my father’s mind. Anyway, it feels good to share my thoughts with somebody who is willing to listen and help. Thank you Torre!
I’ll get back to you if this plan succeeds.
Sponsors! Great idea. You sound mature, intelligent, and level-headed, so you might have some success with sponsors. As for this statement: “Unless I have his emotional support in life, I won’t be happy at all” I know exactly what you mean. I think that, to some extent, we all face this problem: Do we make our parents happy and enjoy the pleasure of their nods of approval? Or do we follow exactly what we want in life at the risk of making our parents unhappy? There’s no right answer to this, only what feels right to your heart.
Thank you for this article! I’ve recently experienced a bit of a backlash from a couple of “close friends” who’ve kinda been a little stand offish about a new business venture i’m undertaking. The fact that I am passionate about it doesn’t seem to be enough to garner their support! I’m finding it hard to face them with no hard feelings because I truly am hurt. However, this has helped and I can get past it and continue building on my dreams. Thank you
Oh my god how could I ever thank you enough , damn my family members are all naysayers . Oh we’ll , nice artworks by the way
I’ve always had a problem with this and am especially feeling it right now with my parents. I am always doing what I think they want me to do every since I was a child, because I am too scared to disappoint them. I am now 19 and just graduated with my BA and I want to go teach in Korea for a couple of years. This is not my life goal, but it is a dream that I have had since I was 17. I’ve worked really hard in school and that is why I graduated at 19 and I really just want to live in Korea for three years, learn the language, eat some good Korean bbq, and teach English. But right now, out of fear, I am just trying to find a 9-5 job that pays “well” because I know that, that is what my parents expect me to do. I am going to apply for Korea, I at least made that decision, but I can sadly say that I am not happy. I am not happy that I have to hide this from my parents, I am not happy that I’m not happy because of I am so worried about my parents. I am so scared of failing and getting it thrown back in my face. I am so scared of the “well what are you going to do after?” I know what I WANT to do after Korea, but just because I want to do it, and i have a plan, doesn’t mean anything is going to happen. Anyways, this is my life.
Hey, I just read this and… I’m in a real confused state. I want to go meet my long distance boyfriend in his country, and he was supposed to come, but he has a hard family environment, I believe he tried, and monetarily speaking it would be easier for me to go there. But no one supports this. All my friends dislike him, and my best friend says it’s too dangerous and I don’t need this…
Am I wrong? I am scared of course, I would foolish not to be. But how can I tell which is real feeling? Thanks…
Nobody can make that call for you, Ana. But from what you’ve told me here, I sense that your friends might be right. If you have any feeling whatsoever that it might be dangerous –– even the slightest little bit –– then you absolutely should not go.
Does this go with any dream because I like to sing and want to do it one day as a career but I don’t understand, can you help me? I’m so confused
I find that what works best for me is to keep what is precious (including my dreams) to myself. Especially when those dreams are in the “embryo” stage. There really is no good reason why anyone to know what my plans are, and I have found that it is often MORE productive NOT to reveal them until the exact moment I need to, such as announcing my trip via a Tweet in the airport or open house for my business. Even then only those who need to know would be informed…. friends who would notice my absence if I suddenly stopped blogging on a trip to a third world country, road trip, or multi-day bike ride, for example) or my “business circle of influence” for the open house- relying on friends and family to support a business is often a mistake. Any thoughts on this?
My G.F is a naysayer. Especially in her cycle. She becomes totally unsupportive of my business plan and is throwing on me all of her fears about not having money at all…
:(:( And it makes me very sad too
Very sad. She has been rased with the idea of this everage person, having a job and salary. Hard to change it
This is fabulous, really lifted my mood. My mum was telling me, “you should do something with art, or writing,” then added on the end, “And MAYBE music”.
We got into an argument because she knows how much I want to be a guitarist but she makes me feel like I’m not good enough. She just says “It’s not a promising job, you’ll make no money.” Blah blah blah. But thank you for this! It’s great and really funny! Thanks, NS.
I’m 15 and I have the dream to establish a Horse Rescue & Rehabilitation Center. But every time I bring up something about horses to my parents, all they say is, “yea, you know how much that costs?” “you do know that that takes time and actual effort, right?” “you’re too young” and other crap like that. Then, thinking my friends will understand they say the same things. I feel like there’s nowhere I can go to gain support, because my dream will come true, with or without those assholes. Though it would be nice to have them with me as I accomplish my dream… But as I said, they’re not important in the final equation.
Thanks for this. My parents are both naysaying against my dream of being a concert pianist, despite the fact that I can play intermediate-level pieces and I’m a beginner who hasn’t even played for a year. They say SO often, “You won’t make any money” and “music is supposed to be a hobby.” And it hurts so much, but this has given me a lot more confidence.
Plenty of people make money from music and art. I’ve made my entire career and income off art. So screw ‘em.
I am so glad I read this today. I have always wanted to learn to fly a plane. Over the past few years, I have been telling my wife that I feel we can put some money aside to enable pursue my dream. I work hard and have even had to put up with some crappy work-places. Finally we have built a house, bought a farm (so that my wife can pursue her dream of farming), got our 2 daughters into good school etc. But when I mention my passion for flying, my wife goes into interrogative mode – you want to become a pilot? eh? Then what? Basically, I can see the disbelief in her eyes and the mockery dripping from her words. So today, I read this article and you know what? I love my wife and she is entitled to her opinion…but screw her naysaying. I am standing for my dream, will pursue it and will be back to post here when I do it!
Ha! Good for you, Joseph. She’ll come around to the idea once she sees how passionate you are about it. Let me just say that, from personal experience, her naysaying is probably directly related to her fear for your life, which is directly related to her love for you. That doesn’t mean she can get away with naysaying, but I do think she can be forgiven for loving you (in a suffocating kind of way). Good luck!