Aww … so cute and pretty, right? Wrong!
When I first arrived in Thailand, I was all, “Look at all the geckos! They’re so small and sweet. Maybe I can tie a little leash around one and call him Buckminster*.”
But that was before I got to know them. Here’s why I can no longer trust geckos.
They plot against you.
When I was in bed yesterday, I felt something fall on my stomach. I looked up to see this …
He had just dropped a home-cooked lizardy nugget on my bare stomach, and this motherfucking gecko was just frozen there on the ceiling, staring intensely at me with his pinhead eyes.
They move too fast.
They have this horrible way of moving around, like a horror movie villain who has been run over by a car seven times, and, even though he has dislocated hips and backwards elbows, he still manages to stagger at an alarming speed. It’s a spasmodic, feverish shimmy. Their sticky foot pads allows them to climb walls, and if startled, they’ll find an open window to mush their fleshy bodies through, before disappearing into the night.
They want to mess with your mind.
The song of the gecko is omnipresent. GECK-O. It’s in the corners of your room. GECK-O. It’s under the couch. GECK-O. It’s coming from underwear drawer, your make-up bag, your box of Special-K. Imagine if I hid in your house and, every now and then, made my presence known by whispering my name. TORRE. TORRE. TORRE. No, not creepy at all.
They are bilingual.
Thai people call them chingchoks because according to them, that is the noise they make. Really? Because I’m hearing a distinctive GECK-O. There is definitely no CHING and absolutely no CHOC in GECK-O. Which can only me one thing: they speak two languages!
Whenever you are, there they are.
Every morning when I get out a bowl for breakfast, I expose a gecko from his hiding spot under the dishware. Freaked, he takes off running like a madman—his tiny hips sashaying in high speed, his beady eyes far too clued-in for my liking. Whether I’m preparing my breakfast or showering or sleeping, I can feel 1,000 unblinking stares fixed lasciviously on my food, my body, my orifices. They’re always near, watching, waiting …
They can lick their own eyeballs.
They don’t have eyelids, they instead just lick their eyeballs clean. Enough said.
They’re meaty.
Ivan was in the bathroom having a leisurely pee when he suddenly flew out of the door backwards. “There’s a giant lizard in there!” he said, startled. Ivan is the person I call when I need giant spider removal services. He swims with sharks and snacks on deep fried cockroaches. But this lizard had him jigging about on the spot.
“Really? You’re scared of a lizard?” I said.
“It’s meaty!”
“Can you put it outside?”
“No-ho-ho-ho-ho!” he stammered. “No-ho-ho-ho-ho-way! It’s too meaty.”
I wanted to see some meat that even an Argentinean wouldn’t go near. ”Show me.”
He pointed in horror to the wall beside the toilet. It was longer than my foot, and meaty it was:
If you blur your eyes, they’re fingers with legs.
I used to think they were adorable, but now I realise they are the fingers of sex offenders that have grown eyes and legs so they can slip into small spaces without being noticed. See?
Or maybe they’re just harmless house lizards. I don’t know.
* Buckminster was the name my parents were going to give me if I’d come out a boy. No kidding. My parents tried for a boy, but had six girls instead. Clearly, God doesn’t approve of Buckminster either, but I feel it’s the perfect name for a creepy lizard on a leash.
Hysterical–as usual. XX
You’re only saying that because you’re my mum. x
haha, i love this post! we have geckos here, but no that many. i have yet to find one in the house, so they’re still fun to me… i don’t imagine they’d be so fun scampering about my house.
Yeah, I felt the same way before I shacked up with them. Some relationships go awry when you move in together.
This is hilarious! and I have no idea that they lick their own eyeballs.
I’d take 10 geckos over 1 roach any day, though…
You know, I used to feel the same way, Erica. But even the giant roaches here don’t disturb me as much as the geckos. Perhaps if there were as many roaches are there are geckos, I’d feel differently.
oh no… that’s terrifying.
it is true they can lick thir ow eye balls i saw it many times in my house
Oh yes, indeed they can.
This is hilarious. And I happen to love gekkos, the cute little ones that chuckle at just the right moment when I would chat with friends in my apartment in Thailand. Then I went south to Cambodia and saw my first full-grown one. THEY’RE SCARY. And meaty..meaty is precisely the word for it.
I’m glad we’re on the same page with this. Little, fleshy beast = okay. HUGE FLESHY MOFO = scary!
My dog loves to gecko hunt, or what I like to call Lizzy hunt. She is so fascinated by them, so if anything they are good dog toys!
Lizzy. Funny. We often call them Lizzy too. “Oh, look, Lizzy’s here.” All lizards are really just one female character named Lizzy.
I agree that they make good toys for the dogs (and cats, I’m sure).
Torre, hilarious as always! I have to say though, I totally miss the geckos from my time in Thailand! They became such a routine site that it’s just not the same sitting at a restaurant at home in NYC and NOT seeing one of them traversing the ceiling above you!
Ha ha. I’m still waiting for the day that I get stuck into my Pad Thai noodles and discover a little baked body in the folds of noodles.
They do say GECK-O….definitely!
I’d love to have an argument with a Thai person about this. In Sweden, roosters say “Koo-koo-da-koo” apparently. But I’m pretty damn sure they say “Cock-a-doodle-do.”
They say neither of these things. They say ki-ki-ri-kiiiii!!!, as any Italian will tell you. That sounds more likely to me.
Bahaha this was hilarious! We get geckos a bit here but not that many! Sounds, umm, fun …
Apparently they had to remove a snake from the accommodation next door, so I consider myself to be pretty lucky.
When I lived in Cambodia there were geckos all over my flat. Someone once told me the only time they fall from the roof is when they are ‘mating’… I suspect I spent much of the time trying to discourage bonking (lest they drop on top of me when I least expect it!).
I know they’re essentially harmless, but I find them freaky… plus the noise they make can be bloody annoying!
Just out of curiosity, how to do you about discouraging geckos from bonking? Does that mean no Barry White music after 10pm?
Must be the sheer numbers of them. We have ONE lone gecko living near out car port and he comes out only when its super hot. He’s the only one ive ever seen at our house an don his own he is cute (and exciting for his rareness!). But what you’re describing does sound freaky…and hilariously described
How do you know it was only one and not many that looked the same? I thought we had ONE living on the boat (Lizzy) and then one day we found in a corner, dried up and very much dead. “Oh, no, poor Lizzy.” But then the next day, Lizzy was back, Pet Sematary-style.
Ba ha ha ha ha… Too funny, Torre. Maybe you could write a spooky children’s book about The Aventures of Buckminster, it wil be like the next Harry Potter, but better
YES!!! I love it. Though I have a feeling that if I wrote a children’s book, it have a great number of inappropriate themes in it.
I had never heard of the name Buckminster before, but just now, a quote by Buckminster Fuller came up in my FB feed. I had to come back and tell you. Was it he who your parents wanted to name you after?
I have no idea. My parents named me after Torrey Pines, California, but they got the spelling wrong. So who knows what they were thinking when they came up with Buckminster.
You’ve done it again T dawg! Funny, funny post! I told you, they’re HUGE on that island! I feel the need to share the fact that I accidentally ran over a gecko on my wheely office chair last week. I may have cut the little guy in half?….It’s haunted me ever since! It wasn’t pretty. There is still little meaty bits in the wheel. And then there was the time one launched itself at me in the shower in Nam. I squealed like a bitch. Luke said he has never heard that sound come out of my mouth before. They are sneaky little buggers that haunt you. GECK-O, GECK-O is natures cruel version of the ‘Venga Bus’ song I reckon! Love to you and Ivan xxx
No!! You’ve haunted me! Now all of my showers will be taken in fear of a Psycho moment, but with a kamikaze gecko instead of Norman Bates.
Wow – I was laughing out loud reading this. I always thought of geckos as cute and cuddly too, you know, the Geico gecko type of gecko. Now I have a new phobia! Thanks for the laughs (not the phobia)
Sorry about the phobia. Though a problem shared is a problem halve, so thanks.
Here in the States we have a gecko as the Trusted Spokesperson for a car insurance company.
They should change their mascot. Could you trust someone who licks their own eyeballs? COULD YOU?
Oh my this made me laugh out loud. But I have to defend the gecko for a minute – they do eat bugs and there is nothing worse than the bugs in South East Asia.
You’re totally right, Ayngelina. This is their one redeeming feature (and I must say, it’s a pretty significant redeeming feature).
Your gecko pictures reminded me of my childhood memory. When I was in Subic Bay, Philippines with my parents. My mom used to call them little dinosaurs in front of me. lol
They are dinosaurs! Itty bitty little ones.
I wouldn’t want to deal with those lizards either. Those things are big! Here’s the real question – do they bite?
Well I will say this for Geckos – they do a great job of selling car insurance!
Yes, they bite. Apparently they get lock jaw and don’t let go for an hour or so. Google it.
I’ve never given much thought to Geckos- I’ve only seen them in Hawaii and I found them pretty and cool, and a bit freaky at the same time.
Buckminister? Really. Where did they get that name from? You don’t hear that every day. And six girls, they really wanted a boy!
They were probably trying to think up a name that would protect me from school-ground teasing, and Buck didn’t rhyme with anything bad they could think of…
I loved this post! You made me laugh out loud, but I gotta say, I’m down with the geckos, meaty or otherwise. I just find them so darn cute! I never actually knew that they really said ‘Geck-o’ until I was in Bali a few years ago and heard a little dude introducing himself for the first time. I have to admit, it made me love them even more. Don’t hate me.
Why don’t you just marry them then, Hannah?! Psht.
I have to admit that when I lived in Saigon I quite liked the geckos that ran around the house (apart from when they sprang out from the toilet bowl), but my next door neighbour seemed to have all manner of problems with them: they used to run down his walls and steal rubber bands from a bowl on his desk! Another time he was removing his laundry from the washing machine and found HALF a gecko amongst his clothes! He never found the other half.
Oh no, that’s gross.
I wonder why they wanted the rubber bands? They don’t even have ponytails to tie back. They’re bald.
Ugh! Never thought they were cute but was never bothered by them either. I’d imagine if I saw them constantly they would begin to freak me out as well. I know you’ve probably already thought of this but I hope one never poops in your mouth while you sleep. That would definitely mean curtains for the little guy!
That’s it—I’m installing a mesh screen on my mouth hole.
I have a massive phobia of geckos/lizards and had a very hard time reading this post. *Shudder* The last image did not settle well in my mind and I had to rapid-scroll to the bottom of the screen just so I could get away from the image. ARGHH!!!
And to follow up on some of the comments, I’d take a roach anytime over a baby lizard. Roaches still creep me out but at least I don’t do a minor convulsion whenever I see a picture of one.
Sorry to traumatise you, Sueann. I guess that means no trips to the tropics?
haha awesome. Am literally crying with laughter now!
Sorry.
I grew up in Cambodia for 14 years – I am TERRIFIED of them. When travelers come and say that they are the cutest creatures, I cringe. Next time, I’m showing them this post. I have so many horrible gecko stories too. yikes!
Oh no, don’t tell me!
Okay, tell me.
They’re fingers with legs lol. A thai lady told me that if you hear them croak 7 times then you will have good luck.
Um … I’m pretty sure that means they’re having sex.
I love geckos, but I don’t think I’ll ever look at them in quite the same way again.
They’ll be looking at you, though. As you sleep.
I love your gecko story and your Bio, the two things that I have read so far. Your website is beaucoup fun. I hope to have my own website someday, but I have a lot of time to sit and think about it since my son is going to make it for me. Maybe I’ll even learn how to be funny by then.
He he. (See? I’m already laughing.)
I’m dating a Sudanese girl now who is deadly afraid of Gecko’s too. She would love this article.
Ha ha. It would just reinforce her fears, make her scared-er-er.
I met one of’em in the guestroom about a month ago, he was small and fast, he ran under the bed, I thought ok I don’t use that room so leave him be. We came across each other yesterday and he got bigger this time, maybe it’s another one and there’s a colony of’em but I’d rather not think about that…Anyway I hit him to the head with a long piece of wood (found nothing else to hit him with), his eye popped out and he jumped then fell and I saw some blood on the floor, he tried to run but I hit him again, his tail kept moving, I didn’t wanna kill him, but he was “damaged” and I feel bad about that, I still do. I threw it out anyway, hopinge he’ll survive, there’s a legion of cats outside, I’m not sure about him surviving, but I hope his death wouldn’t be by my hands…Anyway, since I’m feeling bad, I was browsing the internet for people like me, and I found this article, and I feel a little better, because that big meaty one in the bathroom, he fucking looks like the one I had in my house and I’m thinking maybe if I let it co-exist with me, I would have just burnt the house and moved somewhere else…so thank you for making me feel a little better!
You,ve made me think twice . Made me laugh anyway, is that the colour of your tum?if so you should see your g.p. immediately.
Oh, I live in Texas, I don’t mind all the Gecko’s, they mainly live outside or in the fireplace stones. What I DO mind are the tarantulas!! Imagine those guys climbing on your walls…they freak me every time. AND they’re so big you can’t just squash them like a regular spider….
O. M. G. You get tarantulas in your house?!!