Failure. The word alone makes your butt clench up with horror, doesn’t it?
How many of your daily decisions revolve around avoiding failure? How many calls go unmade? How many projects remain dormant? How many big dreams play out only inside the fail-proof space of your imagination? How much bullshit do you endure purely because you know you can be really, really accomplished at bullshit and because it’s reassuring to have your name on an embossed business card with a fancy title underneath:
John Doe
Managing Director of Bullshit
How to avoid failure.
If you’re determined, you can go to extraordinary lengths to avoid failure. Pursue a boring career and marry a person you don’t love. Add to that a mortgage for a suburban crapbox, car repayments on a 4WD that’ll never leave the city, a few dull friends, and a yappy dog that pees on the carpet, and you can be unpleasantly distracted for an entire lifetime.
Keep telling yourself: “This is good enough, this will do,” and learn to tolerate the chronic sadness that nags from the core of your heart.
That way, you’ll never have to fail.
But really, isn’t your whole miserable life a failure, John Doe?
So ask yourself this:
1. I’m afraid to make a fool out of myself.
Let’s say your epic plan blows up in a spectacular mushroom cloud and now you have to face friends, family, and coworkers with a sooty face and singed eyebrows. Everyone will see you’re a loser. Sucks to be you.
But guess what? Other people don’t care. They’re too focused on their own plans, fears, failures, and shortcomings. Stop playing out cocktail party conversations in your head starring you as the subject of mockery. “What a loser that guy is! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, dear, I just laughed so hard that I squirted Cristal out my nose.”
Nope. That’s not happening in real life. You’re not that important. It may seem earth-moving to you, but your failure will be an insignificant spec of dust among 7 billion people.
Nobody cares. Get it? So remove your tail out from betwixt your thighs and stop rolling around in the stink of your self-pity.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
―Thomas A. Edison Click to Tweet
2. I’m afraid of being wrong.
Perhaps there’s someone in your life who will give you a hard time if you fail: A husband or wife, a boss, a parent, your talking parrot Petey. “Gahhh. Loser! Loser! Gahhh.”
This person doesn’t believe in you and if your plan fails, you’ll give them the satisfaction of being right. Right?
Listen up: These people are assholes. Let them do a pathetic mocking monkey dance until they fall and drown in the cesspool of their jealousy. Their energy is toxic. Associate yourself with positive, supportive enablers, cut the naysayers from your social circle, and practice quick-drawing your middle finger to those who say: “Ha! Told you so!” Read more about naysayers here.
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
― Steven Wright Click to Tweet
3. I’m afraid to discover that I’m not awesome.
Uh-huh! The truth comes out. If you try and fail, you will arrive at an ugly reality: You’re not The Most Amazing Person Who Ever Lived. You’re a standard, floundering, fleshy human being who is not perfect. Fantasy = popped.
You may enjoy telling yourself: “It only appears as though I’m a single guy who sits on the couch all day watching reality TV while scratching my balls, but I’m actually The Most Amazing Person Who Ever Lived. However, I’m just going to keep that little secret to myself.”
You’re fooling nobody—not even yourself. This kind of delusional thinking breeds jealousy and resentment, and in order to feed your starved ego, you’ll end up knocking down others like the naysayers mentioned above.
A failure can be a harsh reality check, but without risking it, you’ll never see what you’re capable of. And if you take a chance and give it everything, you may get a different kind of reality check: You’re more amazing than you ever imagined. So let go of your ego, the TV remote, and your nutsack, and see what happens.
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
― Henry Ford Click to Tweet
4. I’m afraid of ending up in a worse place than where I started.
Sure, you can lose the gamble. You can lose your investment, the time, the energy that it took to get your enterprise up and running. That would be a shame. But do you know what’s an even greater shame? You’ll never, ever know true success.
In the end, we’re all going to fail epically. We’re going to die. What you do between now and then will define your time on this earth. Don’t settle for being John Doe, Managing Director of Bullshit so that you can pretend you’ve never failed.
“… rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
― J.K. Rowling Click to Tweet
Here are two people who are not afraid to fail:
Christine and Drew Gilbert are the most ambitious people I’ve ever had the pleasure of stalking online.
With their son Cole (plus a new baby on the way), they travel the world and live in exotic locales while supporting themselves through a range of online projects. They continually bite off more than they can chew, and then somehow manage to chew it. I have no idea how they do what they do. Just watch them pack their suitcases in this Kickstarter video, and tell me you don’t feel like napping afterwards.
Right now, they’re working on a documentary about a new generation of people who are taking their careers online in order to travel the world. They’re asking perfect strangers for $35,000 in order to finalize the project. Clearly, their fundraising plan is idiotic and they’re most certainly going to fail. Nobody can raise that kind of money from strangers and …
… oh, wait, they’re almost there. Help them to the finish line.
*UPDATE* They did it!
Thank you thank you thank you. It’s such a basic concept, but as a society we’re all too comfortable and scared to leave that comfort to pursue what we really want. This spoke so much to me, because where I’m at right now has a huge potential to fail, be the wrong thing, or put me in a worse place than now. But I’m going to do it anyway. Because I can, because I’m pushing myself off the proverbial ledge and taking a leap of faith. Pretty much because of everything you’ve outlined above, though I’ve never been able to put it so succinctly.
Next time someone comes up with doubts and reasons to stay average – be it towards my plans or their own – I’m just going to point them here
I loved this post!
Yes. We suffer so much when we don’t go after the life we want, but when you break it down, the reasons we avoid failure are all pretty absurd. Good luck!
Delurking to say that this is really great! I think one of the most important life lessons is that failure is really a prerequisite to success. By avoiding failing, you’re avoiding trying at all! How boring. My biggest fear has always been “but what if someone out there in the world won’t like me??”, but really, not being liked by every person ever is inevitable anyway.
“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” – Andre Gide
Simple in theory, but terrifying in reality.
thank you. great post. but I’d like to read more about being afraid to succeed. a friend asked me that a couple of years ago and I just laughed it off. who is afraid to succeed? we all want to be successful, don’t we? I now start to wonder if she knew (knows) me better than what I gave her credit for. because I do think it’s both. fear of failure as much as fear of success. because nothing is more alienating than even just proclaiming you want to change/to be or do more/to do x,y,z. being mediocre keeps you safely within your friends’ and family’s comfort zone and thereby part of it. any thoughts on that???
Good question, Petra. I’m facing that at the moment. My book is going to be published in 2013 and I’m experiencing a range of emotions and fears on what is to come. My fear of success is much greater than any fear I had of failing when I first set out to write a book. In success, you cannot hide and be deliciously insignificant. The limelight is on YOU and your opportunities to fail grow out of control.
So I’m scared to succeed with it, but I’m also scared to fail. This leaves me standing here, looking towards next year like a deer frozen in the headlights. Check back in mid-2013 and find out if I’m still alive or if I’m smeared all over the road.
I just keep reminding myself that it’s all a part of the journey. Success is scary, but it’s yet another adventure to experience in life.
“… being mediocre keeps you safely within your friends’ and family’s comfort zone” — In truth, people DO reject you after you succeed. It’s sad to witness, but in the end, this is how you sort the duds from the shining stars.
I wish more people knew that by sharing and being supportive in others successes will bring positive energy to them.
I have also heard that people who reject you after you succeed do so because they see in themselves their own mediocrity. You did it and they were unable. Good luck.
Oh Torre – what a great post, thanks! I am completing my first novel/memoir and live in that perpetual fear of failure…so this article is a breath of fresh air. Love the bit about naysayers…yes, rid life of them and surround yourself with positive people.
At least you’re aware of the fear and you’re doing it anyway. That’s what counts! Good luck, Bex.
Thank you! This was just what I needed to read today (and everyday). While my husband and I aren’t sailing round the world, we do voluntarily move to a new state every few years (which seems to rank in the “crazy” category with a lot of folks, esp since we’ve got two kids). We’ve only recently stopped pathologizing and apologizing for this and begun to embrace it as just how we want to live our lives, but that doesn’t mean we’re not hounded by fear that we’re making the wrong choice. So, like I said: this post is just what I needed to read, and thank you for posting it!
My pleasure, CJ. I want to know more about this state-to-state adventure of yours!
I’m working my way up to a blog post about it, once I get clear about what deciding to be nomadic really means in practical terms for a family that’s not buying an RV (or maybe I’ll just wait until I get tired of trying to figure out what it means and blog about it anyway).
Thanks for another funny and inspirational post – I’m going to do my best to be a failure, and who knows, I might find success along the way!
If you set out to become a failure and you get there, then really, you’ve succeeded!
Great post Torre. It really hits home for me at the moment as I’m going to be back in London for a day next week. I have a connection there on my way to some travel blogging conferences, and am going to stop by and see some family. Every time I speak to them, they ask how my “holiday” is going. They believe I’m on a permananent vacation and have no idea how much I’m working despite my protestations. I learned a long time ago not to rise to them, but it can be hard not having the support of family – it can feel like a sort of failure – but you’re right that it’s best to ignore them. I huess it will be a good exercise in grinning and bearing it!
I think a lot of digital era “kids” are having this problem. If you’re not getting a steady pay-check, there will always be those who think you’re being self-indulgent!
My family are quite alternative and also very supportive, but even they were a little confused when I took two years off my career to write a book (though selling it to publishers made it seem less crazy in the end).
I love this. We tried and failed (because we trusted someone to make our product correctly) but life does go on. And sometimes failing is just the universe telling you there is something better out there for you. I miss chatting with you, Torre! I hope you are doing awesome.
I’m still sad over your loss with that. Hard to believe. But I’m so proud of you guys for giving it everything and getting to that point.
Nice post! I particularly enjoyed the part about the naysayers drowning in the cesspool of their jealousy
As the great Dr. Seuss once said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”.
That Dr. Seuss was one smart cookie. (BTW, did you know that he was slightly afraid of children? Ha!)
Thanks for sharing your wise (yes, really!) thoughts and the quotes of others. I agree with Josh that Dr. Seuss says it best, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
We are all eagerly awaiting the new release of your novel and will celebrate your success no matter what … honest, we will still love you when you are on the NYT best-seller list. No further butt clenching with horror over failure, please.
When you get to my age (67, going on 40) it becomes very clear that way too much time was wasted in years past worrying about success or failure. From now on it’s all about maintaining an attitude of gratitude for every single day and full steam ahead with every dream. I know that’s easier said than done when you are young but it’s well worth a try … and Drew and Christine Gilbert are a fine example of this. How exciting to watch them move on to Sundance!
It was through their blog that I first discovered you!
Thanks, Patricia. I would like to worry less in general! Too much of my life is spent worrying about all the what-ifs.
this is so honest. i love it.
Yay, love these ideas! I think there’s a little voice in everyone’s head that warns them about failure, and what that entails, but you just have to squash it and remain POSITIVE. That kind of energy will change the world (and your life)!
You’re right: the voice never go away. But you don’t have to listen to it!
You’re thoughts are so fitting to me as well. I hate failure. In fact my life has been pretty cush and I’ve never really fallen on my face. But next year the leap I take could land me in a big muddy puddle. Hopefully my back up plans (someone who is afraid of failure always has a back up plan) will carry me through if things do go sour. But failure is always lurking behind every step of the way but it is up to the us to ignore it and proceed on and give it the last laugh instead. To all that feel what she’s saying in her blog just remember it is okay to fail. It’s all about how you come back from it. Maybe your plan just had a few holes in it. Patch it up and move on.
Yes, true, and don’t be too scared of it. If it happens, it happens. You won’t die. Good luck with skirting that muddy puddle!
That was awesome.
I am really sick of hearing that one has to be travelling from country to country if one wants to live life to the full. I want to have friends for longer than a year and I want to be near my boyfriend who does not have a wireless compatible career or skills – does that make me average? I wish my parents hadn’t dragged me across the globe when I was young, I might’ve been able to continue ballet, study computer science, be part of a Doctor Who fan club.
Pursuing whatever it is that makes you happy doesn’t make you average! Travel is a great way of life if (and only if) it’s an activity that you find exciting. It’s not for everyone! Don’t apologise for your likes and dislikes. Anyone who says you have to travel to be fulfilled in life is an idiot.
This is just what I needed to hear today.
Happy to hear it!
You have no idea how much I needed this reminder today. I’m writing a business plan tonight.
How’d it go?
Hello snazzy writer whom I do not remember the name of even thought it is everywhere on this site. I was wondering how you made your website and if you had to pay for it?
– future blogger person
crap that little linky thingy popped up it told me to put the website so i did… so yeah.
Ahh … it’s a little too complicated to explain over a comment! I made the site myself, but with the help of 10+ years of web and graphic design experience. Google ‘How to set up a Wordpress blog’ and go from there.
Best,
Torre
Ha! Gorgeous post! Thanks for this. I’ve been spending a lot of energy learning how to ignore my fear of failure over the last few years but it’s always very useful to have a reminder pep talk from someone else
A few months ago when I was working on a couple of big things in tight timeframes and was struggling and not sure I could make it, I said so on my Facebook status and asked people for encouraging nudges. One of the most useful things someone said to me was “remember, it’s just a series of little tasks”. I put up two big sheets of paper on my wall above my desk: “I CAN do it!!!” and “It’s JUST a series of LITTLE tasks!”
In the last few years I’ve also become very ruthless about who I make time for in my life. I prioritise the people who make me feel like anything is possible, who make me feel excited and vital. I still have people I love and spend time with who don’t, but I make sure they’re not my dominant influence.
And you know what? I’ve been having the craziest, fun, creative ideas since I’ve made these changes. It’s hard to think big when you’re shutting yourself up in a little “scared of failure” box.
Thanks for your comment, Rose. You’re right—big accomplishments ARE just a series of small tasks. This was a very reassuring reminder for me when I was sailing the Pacific. It’s an enormous ocean to cross, but remembering that we were doing it mile by mile made it seem accomplishable.
Excellent article! I think one of our biggest issues in life is that we care what other people think of us. Now, we should all care about what people think to a point but most of us take it much further than that and allow it to control what we do in our daily lives. BIG NO-NO!
Life is the art of caring *just* the right amount to make sure you don’t leave the house wearing hotpants, Crocs, and oversized fanny packs. A fashion crime like that would get you executed.
Greetings from Gdynia, Poland. We are waiting for a ferry here, just finishing up our Europe motorcycle tour.
I love this article! As I’m just moving my work online to be able to travel more, I was delighted to find Gilberts too! Thanks.
I lost your blog for a good while, but just found my way back here and I am so glad to hear about your book deal. Congratulations!
Hi Jaana. Thanks for the congrats. Can you tell me more about your motorcycle tour?
Hi Torre,
thanks for asking.
This was just a month’s trip. We are a bit time-restricted, as my husband Kari is still a corporate slave. I resigned last spring.
We drove at leisurely pace from Finland to Mediterranean shore in Italy and back. This time it was about 6000 kilometers, as we took a ferry from Finland to Sweden, from Sweden to Germany and now from Poland to Finland. Kari wanted to drive the mountain passes in the Swiss Alps and they sure were a delight. He drives and I just sit in the back, enjoying the scenery and taking photos.
As we love Italy, we stopped there for couple of weeks, mostly going around Piemonte area. The area is famous for its food, and boy, did we stuff ourselves with fine food and wine! The Italian people are lovely too. At some point I definitely want to live there for a while.
When we reached the sea, we took a nice swim and started the drive back home
Everything went fine and the bike needed only minor tuning – Italian Yamaha-service did the work for free! This time we avoided the poor-condition eastern countries’ roads and the route was just perfect. We got all the accommodation on the run and only once we hit a town that was so full of locals that we had to drive on late at night.
Europe is so fun and easy to travel around. What we miss is the weather you have there in Thailand…
Sounds AMAZING!!! What kind of Yamaha? Was it a new bike? Do you have the pictures up online?
We have a Yamaha TDM900 from 2005. We bought it last year.
Here are some pictures for you: https://picasaweb.google.com/109478311607168427198/MotocyclingInEurope2012
Those are not only from this latest trip, but contain also few pics from June, when we visited Sweden and Norway.
Wonderfully put. Sometimes you take a risk and it all works out beautifully, other times it just blows up in your face, but risks are still work taking. Sometimes the “failure” teaches you something. Risks just make you a more complete person, one willing to work towards being the best they can be.
one thing though. Fear is also their to protect you. I would be all for going for things and over coming fear but only if the consequences of failure are managable. Many people dont do things, out of fear of loosing all their money. Fear of dying. Fear of living on the street if they bomb. I wish their were more articles comparing the two types of fear.
In order to make awesome things come true, you need to go all out. People who achieve extraordinary success often times lay everything on the line, their life savings, even their life sometimes. Entrepreneurs who believe in their product, film-makers who won’t get funding and they go into debt to finance their vision. Someone extra-extraordinary is Robert Rodriguez, the director of El Mariachi. He went into debt and subjected himself to experimental medical testing and used the funds from both to finance his movie. This effort and investment led him to become big Hollywood player, making movies with Tarantino. Ellen McArthur, the fastest solo round the world sailor saved every penny since she was eight years old to buy a boat. In the process of saving money she lived under the boat in a shed during construction of her boat. She’s now a millionaire and most respected member of the sailing community. There are lots of examples like this out there. This people did indeed face prospect of having no money left or losing their lives. But their passion for their projects was greater than their fears, and in the end, they succeeded. Not everyone succeeds, but even in failure one learns valuable lessons. If you want a safe, predictable outcome, then your choices will be limited to everyday jobs. Which is fine if that if what one aspires to, but you you want greatness, you’ll need to take some risks and accept the outcome, either good or bad.
The story and video of the Christine and Drew Gilbert is amazing! So inspirational! It’s great to see people not only working whilst travelling, but doing it with a baby (and another one on the way? what????)!
I’ve lost two jobs this year and feel like a big loser. I don’t really care what people say nor am I afraid to make mistakes. The economy isn’t doing too well in my part of the world but I still think I’m entitled to a decent job.
My only feat of the past year is turning a close friendship into love. It is the biggest gamble I have ever taken and I’ve never been happier. Losing her might be my only fear in life, otherwise I’m bullet proof.
I’m afraid of failing myself i actually want to fail so i don’t have to forgive myself I dont have to hurt i don’t no what to do if all the pain goes away im scared of whats going to be left.