If I was the protagonist of this story, the film would be titled Never because that’s the point at which I’d cut off my own arm to save myself.
The Perfect Storm
I don’t even need to see this film to get convulsive shivers; the cover alone does that to me. Just look at that little boat seconds from somersaulting on the mother of all waves! I know from the cover that this film will scare me away from boats and the ocean forever, and that really, it isn’t a good idea for me to watch it at all. Which is why I watched it three times—it was really thrilling! I read the book too.
Into the Wild
What starts out as an inspiring ‘Oh, I’m totally going to move to Alaska and live off the land and hunt and gather and write in my journal all day and, oh, who cares if I don’t have any experience, I’ll be just fine!’ type film, ends with a creepy lesson as to why I should never do that.
Open Water 2: Adrift
Despite the terrible title, you should prepare to get comfortable on the edge of your seats, my friends. The moral of the story is: (a) don’t have asshole yacht-owning yuppies for friends, and (b) if you must have nautical pals, don’t go sailing with them, and, (c) if you do venture out in the asshole’s boat, put out the goddamn ladder if you all decide to go swimming at the same time.
Why would anybody ever choose to go boating in the crocodile-infested regions of northern Australia? I’ve always found sharks to be frightening because they sometimes mistake humans for seals, but crocodiles shit all over sharks in the scary animals competition. Crocs don’t care what kind of animal you are: humans smell meaty-licious and that’s good enough for any hungry predatory killing machine.