A favorite Seinfeld episode of mine is the one in which Elaine belatedly learns that she posted off hundreds of self-portrait Christmas cards to friends and family featuring a cameo appearance from her very own nipple.
I feel for Elaine, I really do. Because a similar thing happened to me.
A month ago, I was clicking through my travel website which I’d created to update friends and family and complete strangers on my whereabouts in the Pacific Ocean. I’m talking about a five-year-old website that has received clicks from worldwide locations, and has most certainly been peeked at by random perverts. I was pouring over good times on this website when I stumbled upon one photo featuring — you guessed it — my nipple!
It can’t exactly be called a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ since there was no wardrobe involved at the time. When the picture was taken, I was on a boat, which was somewhere in the large blue emptiness between the US continent and the Marquesas islands. Me and my captain (slash lover, I should add) were completely isolated, sweaty from the tropics and unwilling to spend precious water on doing laundry, so we flung our clothes off permanently. Wanting to capture the unique experience, we continued to snap photos, later cropping out the nudity before uploading. Many photos we have from this time feature liberated rude bits — none of which I’ve shared with the whole world.
Except for this one:
I’d shot a self-portrait to show the unruly state of my hair after weeks at sea. So focused on the state of my hair (as I often am), I failed to detect the areola in the bottom right corner. The good news is: so did everyone else. I never received an email reading: Hey, I’m looking at your website and, well, I’m not sure, and correct me if I’m wrong, but … I think I see a nipple!
Then again, people frequently fail to tell me I’ve got herbs stuck in my teeth.
Watch Seinfeld nipple segment here:
Torre DeRoche is the author of two travel memoirs, Love with a Chance of Drowning (2013) and The Worrier’s Guide to the End of the World (due out September 2017). She has written for The Atlantic, The Guardian Travel, The Sydney Morning Herald, Emirates, and two Lonely Planet anthologies.