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Being in a unhealthy relationship with a handsome, sophisticated database. >>

 

I no longer bother to commit facts to long-term memory, nor do I bother to remember new skills I’ve learned. Why would I? Isn’t that what Google is for?

Sometimes I can’t remember the name of some important building, like that big churchy thingy on the corner of that Whatyamacallit Street.  My Google knows. “St Pauls Cathedral, Melbourne,” my Google will offer (sometimes before I’ve even finished my sentence.)

There are times when I forget how to do something simple, like my job as a graphic designer. “Google, how do I make things big or small in Photoshop?” (At one point, I inadvertently taped over that particular memory with Youtube videos, even though erasing this knowledge as a designer is equivalent to a pilot forgetting how to steer the plane.*) Not to worry, my Google knows the answer. He always knows. “Apple + Shift + T, my dear Torre.”

I’m always asking him, “Google, how do you spell diahoreeah,” because I can never figure out how many letters are in that word and what bit goes where and Microsoft Word seems brain injured when it comes to spell-correcting diahoreeah (was it dropped as a baby?) and for some reason, I have a frequent and urgent need to type this word into emails and documents. My Google laughs in good humor, his Buddha-like belly jiggling, and tells me, “Diarrhea, darling. The spelling is D-i-a-r-r-h-e-a.”

But I become concerned that my relationship has become a little needy and dependant when I begin asking my Google questions to quell my general indecision about life. “What do you think I should wear today?” Or, “Should I go to that party on Saturday where I don’t know anyone?” He mutters something incoherent that doesn’t really answer my question. (My Google is like that: always blabbering to fill space and unable to just admit Sorry, I don’t know the answer to that. It must be a man thing.)

And then, if my Google can’t advise me I get struck down with inertia. If my Google doesn’t know, then HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE A DECISION? So I just curl into a small ball on the floor and rock, naked, of course, because my Google won’t help me dress, and I cover my ears to shut out the perpetual hum of digital equipment infiltrating my brain.

It’s usually then that I decide I need to make a change. I need to become independent. What would I do if something happened to my Google? Rock all day long in fetus position? No. Not good. Not healthy. So I cut my ties and disconnect from him. Airport: Off …

Then, I start to make diszcissions on my own. Insted of depenting on Google and Word for no-how, I just dig deep into my mammary banks, use my nogging and figure that shit out all by my self. And you know what? Just between you and me, it actshually gives me less diahoreeah.

*This is why I’m not a pilot.

Are you addicted to Google? Go on, stand up, share your name, admit your addiction and tell me your story (Comment!)

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18 Response Comments

  • Bree  January 10, 2011 at 4:56 am

    I was literally crying with laughter! So were the kids. I seriously relate. Google anxiety gives me diahoreeah too.

    Reply
  • Dalene  January 12, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Love it!! And if you ever find that Google does tell you what to wear one day…please let me know!

    Reply
  • Nicole  January 14, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Hello. My name is Nicole. And I am a Wikipedia Addict. It has been 27 minutes since my last hit….

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  January 14, 2011 at 11:21 am

      Welcome, Nicole. You’re in a safe place.

      Reply
  • Sparks  September 3, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    LOL. Love it. I am rolling. Thanks for the belly work out. You really lifted up my day 🙂

    Reply
  • Jaime  September 15, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Oh man too damn funny!!! I try to refrain myself from asking google questions about my personal life, but sometimes I do want too…lol!!! Oh & I have so done the first search especially when I am putting captions on my photos. “Name of the BIG YELLOW CHURCH in the MIDDLE OF MUNICH” <<==Yes I have searched that…lol!!!

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  September 15, 2011 at 11:49 am

      Ha ha. The smarter Google gets, the less I bother thinking. Like: I don’t even TRY to spell anymore when I’m typing searches.
      Hat is th wether going t be tdya.
      “The weather is going to be sunny and 27 degrees Celsius.”
      Google’s so smart.
      People obviously DO ask Google about their personal life, as I frequently get search terms leading to my site with queries like, “I hate my life, I don’t know what to do.” Sometimes I wish I could cuddle those people, but by the time I figure out they’ve visited, they’re gone.

      Reply
  • Davis  September 17, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    I think you are right to be concerned about Google-addiction.

    If I were an alien race intending to conquer earth, I might first render the population helpless, perhaps doing this by seeding them with a technology that makes learning information unnecessary, such as Google, where they do not need to learn anything because they can so easily look everything up, thus depriving them of the personally-acquired knowledge base for creative problem-solving when targeted hits take out Google.
    They will grow more stupid and helpless without ever being aware of it. They could be as intelligent as they ever were, but without their knowledge base, they would be helpless.
    Mwa-ha-ha-ha.

    I actually have heard from businessmen who hire engineers that recent graduates, clever with computers, do not know how to solve certain sorts of practical problems that one used to assume engineers would be good at: like the sort of things you mention; like fixing a diesel engine and patching a leaking boat.

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  September 17, 2011 at 11:50 pm

      Hi Davis, I think you need to start typing that concept into a script. I think you have a blockbuster concept there! If the internet lifeline gets disengaged, we’re screwed. LIFELINE – coming to a theatre near you.

      Diesel engines and leaky boats—ha! Ivan designed and coded a business billing program in MS DOS when he was 13 years old. His problem solving skills for IT projects are savant-like. He’s not quite as handy with woodwork or mechanics, though. 🙂

      I wonder if the diesel engine could’ve been fixed at sea anyway, since the fuel needed to be drained and replenished?

      Reply
      • Davis  September 18, 2011 at 12:28 pm

        Torre,

        Anything I might say about boat engines is above my paygrade, but I can’t imagine people having to sit dead in the water in mid-Pacific just because their motor quit. If this were the case, survival stories would be more common. In the war movies, did a sub commander have to call the auto club when his motor started going ta-pocka-ta-pocka?

        Anyway, I wanted to say what a neat blog you have. I started mine in May as a way to make myself write something from my years of accumulated travel journals. This seems such a natural thing to do that I am amazed how rare it is to find anyone else doing it.

        And your graphics inspired me to try to get my scanner working again, but, alas, it still smiles at me stupidly. Maybe I’ll go get a new one today.

        I’ve never been to Oz, though I once drank a great deal of Foster’s and am sure that any country with beer cans the size of depth charges must be a nice place.

        Best wishes,

        Davis

        Reply
  • Ian [EagerExistence]  October 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    Nice post, even better graphic. I always mistype into Google too. Sometimes I let Google do my Maths for me. Have you ever done that? Long-division-Schmong-division. Google will save me.

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  October 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm

      Yes, all the time. Me brain no worky good now.

      Google is going to make us extinct. Mark my words, you will see, and then you’ll be all ‘Hey, Torre, you were totally right. Google did make us extinct.’ Mark them down. Now.

      Maybe Google killed the dinosaurs?

      Reply
  • Ghostwriteghoul  October 26, 2013 at 12:38 am

    I google everything, I google for hours, I google myself and I learn how to use keywords in my music promotion pages to reach larger audiences.
    I learn about appropriate fashion, I explore my existence. I ask all the questions that ive wondered about all my life and am so happy to find pages on what I am currently exploring. Go anywhere learn anything about anything. make informative educated decisions about everything from human nature and relating new companies calling and knocking at your door wanting your business. Use Google never consider knowledge a negative thing, always embrace exploration and never stop thirsting for knowledge.

    Reply
  • Mark  October 26, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    This post is hilarious. I absolutely have an unhealthy relationship with Google searches, and it’s a lot like this. Also, as a guy, the part where you say “it must be a man thing” is a riot. Fantastic piece.

    Reply

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