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Warning: despite the innocent nature of this post, images below may be unsuitable for minors, prudes and office workers.

So it began like this: I went to a bike shop and bought my first pair of cycling knicks to see what all the fuss is about. Cyclists swear by them, and even the bike store clerk told me I was going to LOVE them.

I’ve always avoided padded bike shorts because (a) I don’t tend to go cycling for longer than two hours at a time, (b) I enjoy pointing and laughing at people who wear Lyrca and I don’t wish to be on the receiving end of this, and (c) I’m not particularly overjoyed about getting around looking like I’m either combating the heaviest menstrual flow that ever cursed a woman, or I’m suffering from an unfortunately large camel toe.

I’m no fashionista, but I do tend to stick by these basic styling principles:

So why did I decide to get padded shorts? Well, I love bike riding and I love traveling, so recently I contemplated combining these two passions at some point in the near future. If I’m going to saddle-up for five hours a day, I may need to let go of my pride and get comfortable in padded pants to avoid a nasty condition called Saddle Sores (you don’t want to know).

So anyway, I went to the bike store, selected a standard looking pair of knicks, got back home, and – curious – I turned them inside out. This is what I found in my pants:

“Um … what … is … that … doing … in … my … pants?”

How would YOU feel about riding around on this all day?

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50 Response Comments

  • Lorna - the roamantics  May 12, 2011 at 5:01 am

    LOL torre!!! i’ve never owned them, but that’s so your ass doesn’t get busted by hours on a bike. but it does look like a bike seat INSIDE your pants- ha ha 🙂

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 5:07 am

      My first question was: “Why not just paste this onto the bike seat?” I Google it and found my answer: Saddle Sores (chaffing).

      Reply
  • Erica  May 12, 2011 at 5:03 am

    I used to be a pedicabber who refused to wear one of these… my ass wishes I did. 😛

    But yes – LOOKS WEIRD.

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 5:06 am

      If there’s any way around wearing these, I’m all over that idea.

      Reply
  • Odysseus  May 12, 2011 at 5:17 am

    Ahaha, that’s great fashion advice re: your “styling principles.”

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 5:22 am

      It’s a pretty complicated formula, but I find it helpful to refer to when I’m shopping for clothes.

      Reply
  • Jane  May 12, 2011 at 7:47 am

    It looks like one big pink sanitary towel stuck to your shorts lol.

    Reply
  • Katja  May 12, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Hahaha! Yeah, they ain’t pretty, and whoever made that one pink was clearly having a smutty giggle at everyone’s expense, but my GOD are they worth it. I need to buy a second pair, actually – I’m about to embark on a cross-Europe trip and need more than one pair so I can wash them.

    Oh, the other thing you need is chamois cream, because chafing really isn’t funny. Trust me on this …

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 11:44 am

      Wow, Katja. Tell me more about your trip!

      Yes, I take the topic of chaffing very seriously. That’s why I’m willing to sit on this big pink thing.

      Reply
      • Katja  May 12, 2011 at 8:01 pm

        Yeah, I’m doing a bit of a Torre, actually! Having not done any significant exercise since a 50 mile bike ride (with minimal training) a few years ago, I decided that it would be a *great* idea to cycle from my current home in Calabria to my parents’ home in Somerset. Yes, that’s Calabria, south-west Italy, to Somerset, south-west England. It’s a distance of about 2,500 km and I have five weeks in which to get there before my mum’s 60th birthday party on 2 August. Nothing like goals for concentrating the mind.

        At the moment I’m obsessing over the small matter of the bike, which I don’t actually *have* yet. Poste Italiane assure me that it’s on its way, though, so I’m sure it will be fine. I mean, it’s not like the Italian postal system has ever lost or misplaced anything. Ahem. Once that gets here I’ll start worrying about my training schedule. By which I mean that I’ll buy some chammy cream, another pair of cycling shorts and some panniers and panic for three weeks about how to pack everything in them before deciding that all I really need is a laptop, a bikini and a Leatherman. What could *possibly* go wrong?!

        Reply
        • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 11:08 pm

          Wow, exciting!! That is a great idea! “A bit of a Torre” is right – but honestly, there’s nothing quite like spur of the moment adventure. Planning sucks the life out of FUN if you ask me. I’ve read that the best way to train for cycling 5 hours a day 7 days a week is to ride your bike 5 hours a day, 7 days a week. I hope that bike arrives, and I hope you make your mum’s 60th birthday party. Hilarious.

          Reply
  • Greta  May 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    That is just too funny, all the pressure points seem to be in the right place.

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 11:09 pm

      Ha! Maybe so, I haven’t yet tried them out.

      Reply
  • Christina  May 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Curios; is there a version for boys AND a version for girls? (other than color I do mean)

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm

      They do come in men’s and women’s, but I’m not sure if the padding looks different inside. I’ll check and get back to you on that one.

      Reply
  • Debbie Beardsley  May 12, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    I like riding my bike but don’t do it too often. I would think it you were regularly riding extra padding would come in handy!

    You’re too funny! Enjoyed reading this very much.

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 11:11 pm

      Nancy from Family On Bikes didn’t wear padding from Alaska to Argentina. She wore mohair boxer shorts. Maybe I can pull that off too?

      Reply
  • Sabrina  May 12, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Saddle sores? That sounds terrible! Luckily I”ve never spent enough time on a bike to know what that is 🙂

    That pink thing looks too funny, like pampers on steroid 🙂 But also kind of comfy, I have to admit. For five days on a bike you’ll probably need it… but… how many did you buy? I can’t imagine wearing the same one for five days.

    Reply
    • Myra  May 12, 2011 at 11:12 pm

      Oh dear, that is too funny. It’s a like a diagram of which parts should be placed where…

      Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 12, 2011 at 11:13 pm

      Just one pair for now, but if I head out on a multi-day journey, I will definitely be investing in more! Since they’re worn with no underwear, anything less than 3 or 4 reserve pairs is just plain unsanitary. 🙁

      Reply
    • Georgia  May 14, 2011 at 11:40 am

      XXL sized!

      Reply
  • Amy  May 15, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Hahaha! I’m not a biker, but now I will giggle every time I see a rough & tough bicyclist, knowing they could have a pink liner inside their shorts. 🙂 Nothing against them- you should do whatever works. I admire people who can bike anything that isn’t purely downhill (my idea of biking is coasting downhill and using the momentum to go uphill), so I can’t laugh too hard, but it’s still funny, right? 🙂 Hopefully they’ll make you smile when you wear them! 🙂

    Reply
  • Michelle  May 16, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    It does look weird to have a bicycle seat on the inside of your shorts, but I’d definitely choose that over chafing and all that. But the hot pink? They couldn’t make it black to blend in with the shorts? LOL

    Reply
  • Torre DeRoche  May 17, 2011 at 2:38 am

    It seems that I’m the only one who sees a giant pink phallus in this picture. Perhaps it’s time for therapy.

    Reply
    • Kim  May 17, 2011 at 3:08 am

      You and me both Torre. I’m shocked no one else sees it. That’s just one gigantic… uh… well… you know what it is!

      Reply
    • Catia  May 20, 2011 at 7:51 pm

      Nope, you’re not the only one. I laughed so hard the others in the hostel guests had to look… and yeah, we all saw the same thing :p

      Reply
      • Catia  May 20, 2011 at 7:52 pm

        Oops sorry, typo, that’s supposed to be ‘others in the hostel’.

        Reply
    • Jemma  November 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm

      I saw it too, I saw it too! I was surprised at how innocent minded most of your readers are! XD

      Reply
  • Kim  May 17, 2011 at 3:05 am

    HAHAHAHA!!!! OMG, I just seriously laughed out loud. Everything about this post is perfect. I don’t know about you Torre, but I think I’d need a little protection for that thing, if you know what I’m saying.

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 17, 2011 at 3:10 am

      Kim, I’m so glad somebody else is seeing what I’m seeing! It looks like something one might buy over on Seedy Street to fulfill a fantasy of getting it on with Tinky Winky.

      Reply
  • Raymond  May 20, 2011 at 2:05 am

    Are these the extra absorbent variety? 🙂

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 20, 2011 at 2:18 am

      Must be. With wings … oh, wait, they’re not wings. They’re BALLS.

      Reply
      • Monica  May 21, 2011 at 2:13 am

        HI my sweet Torre, Ride with a smile……i guess is the purpose for that THING…..Kisses Monica

        Reply
  • Cecilia  May 21, 2011 at 3:32 am

    Suffering from penis envy? Just buy yourself a pair of bike shorts!

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  May 22, 2011 at 8:14 am

      Don’t HAVE a penis? Buy yourself some bike shorts!

      Reply
  • Stephanie  May 27, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    After riding around all day, mountain biking through god-knows-where and feeling as if my lady parts were screaming black and blue… I dont know. Look pretty darn heavenly.

    Reply
  • Amanda  June 3, 2011 at 4:48 am

    Hahaha. What, that’s not fashionable? … Clearly I’ve been doing it wrong…

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  June 3, 2011 at 6:23 am

      I’m sure you totally rock the bulgy pants look!

      Reply
  • Geoff  September 24, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Loved it. I’m not the 6 foot bronzed South American Adventurer but I just bought a 35′ yacht with something like that in mind. My wife could be you. I don’t mean that literally, but your description of your fear of the sea (specifically the Great White eating machines) is her position exactly.
    We’ll make a start by sailing the boat from Sydney to our home town in South Australia, roughly 1700nm.
    I’m going to buy her your book, maybe it will help. There are many types of courage and many types of hero. As a wise person once said, true heroes are often made on short notice, often from the most unlikely material. This also applies to courage. True courage is not doing things that are brave because you feel no fear, but doing them even though you are afraid. I’ve met both kinds of hero and seen both kinds of courage and I know what I admire most.

    Kindest Regards

    Geoff

    Reply
  • Alexandra  November 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    That looks like a penis.

    Reply
  • Miss Footloose | Life in the Expat Lane  December 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Ah, the traveling life. You never know what you’ll discover in and on various parts of your body (bed bugs, leeches, cockroaches, etc.) This thing at least is not alive and won’t bite or sting.

    Wishing you comfy cycling!

    Reply
  • Steve  February 11, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    …so THAT’s whats in those. Why don’t they just make the bike seat comfy?

    Reply
    • Torre DeRoche  February 11, 2012 at 11:26 pm

      A damn good question. Instead of putting cushioning on couches, we should all just walk around with pillows strapped to our backsides.

      Reply

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